Gap

Remembered this evening a dream I had at some point this week, maybe even last night after the crazy atomic dream, about my teeth.

Someone was making fun of my gap teeth.
Which happened fairly often when I was a kid.  Pre-braces.  Always bothered me so much.

In my dream it didn't bother me it at all.

More.

Was working in a hospital.  And I knew it was going to either blow up or be infected with something or that something horrible was going to happen.  Someone told me secretly.  Or I figured it out.  Or both.  And then I managed to escape by running outside in the nick of time and the ocean was right there so I ran into it and new I'd be safe.
After I met up with Steve somehow and we kept trying to figure out what i was going to to do with my life now.  I was going to sell two houses and buy one.  And things needed to be copied from a laptop but we knew there was an infection on it so we had to wait until it healed. We knew it would, just not when.
Everything was very vivid, and dark, and there were a lot of angry people...especially the people who were trying to infect/blow up the hospital and didn't want anyone to know.  Also something about radiation?  that the building  was going to start holding radiation, but they kept telling us we'd be okay, but I knew we wouldn't.  This was after the first blowup/infection there.  It's all getting swirly in my head now.  Back to bed.

Another dream

Went to bed drunkish.
Slept hard through the night.
Woke up around 6am to let Bailey out.  When I went back to bed I had one of "those" dreams.
My parents were still alive again.
My mom was gradually getting sicker.  And like me in real life, she kept eating and eating and eating throughout the dream and I knew that if she got heavier she'd get sicker, too, and I was so worried about that.   And then we knew (Steve, Dad, me) that we had to clean house. Something about her being sick meant we had to clean out the entire house, repaint the walls, and then move back in.  Part of my job was to clean out the refrigerator.  BUT there were like 10 of them.  And there were a lot of greens to throw away and the trash got too full so I decided to compost it all when I noticed all of these beds of beautifual rich soil...so I put the greens on top of them.
And then all these people showed up.  I didn't know any of them and couldn't tell if they were there to throw out there trash, help me with my trash, or to steal the good stuff we had.
And then I had to make a pilgrimage to somewhre.  Like Lufkin.  And I had to walk.  with all these people, and there were some really steep hills and I couldn't get up there so we made human chains and helped each other up.  When I woke up that was the first thing I thought about, "I'm so glad I could just drive to Lufkin if I wanted."
I remember talking to my dad about how my mom was doing with the news she was getting sicker.  And he said she was going in and out of reality.  That she'd be sad and crying and then get more upset and talk about all the things she needed to do. This is when dad thought she was out of reality, but you know, probably not.  These were her (my?) regrets.  All the things she wanted to do, but couldn't now.
And then we started talking about Thanksgiving and I said I'd just make the whole meal (I usually did after she got sick) and then Steve said we should just go out to a restaurant instead.  I don't remember how I felt about that in the dream.

Dreams

I don't know who reads here anymore, if anyone, but I need to write this down quickly before I forget so here goes.
Last night I lit my cleansing candle and wrote out all my intentions.  Basically asking for light, peace, clean energy, and love.  And to shoo away all the negative energy I seem to be carrying with me lately.
Toni warned me I might have odd dreams.
Not sure if it was the candle or the power of suggestion, but holy cow.

I dreamed that the drought was getting much worse.  There was very little water left anywhere, and the world was becoming dehydrated.  Everyone was getting sick.  I, though, was somehow okay.

But.  I was at Mom and Dad's house, where Nana and Smiley used to live.  The last house.  And I knew they were in the living room.  Arguing about something.  They seemed very out of it, almost drunk.  And I kept trying to turn the lights on, but none were working.  A radio was playing and I kept switching the station between country music and jazz.  And then dad started to lose his limbs.  And he was very skinny.  First his arm and then a leg.  And I'd somehow drain all the liquid out of the limbs and give it to them to drink.   Then I had this realization that they were going to die.  So I called 911, and it was just some body there.  Not a real 911 operator.  And she said she'd send the bus to come get them, and that there were records on the bus...everyone's health records...so I didn't have to worry about remembering all their medications/blood type/etc.  The bus got there and Dad tried to stand up to walk out to the bus but realized he couldn't walk with only one leg...and hadn't realized he'd lost any limbs.  I helped get him on the bus, and mom...no idea where Steve was during all this...and as soon as they got on the bus I ended up out at the lake, just flash I was there.  And I knew this was where the bus was coming to get water for the people on it.  And there was a big family eating lunch around a picnic table.  White trash kinda family.  Also all very thin, sickly, and seeming to be drunk.  I kept waiting for the bus...a long red one...to come, but it didn't.  And instead I kept watching the water drain out of the lake.

Saturday

1. Soak beans
2. Make beans
3. Do some weeding
4. Plant new tomatoes
5. Trip to neighbor town to hit bank and PetSmart and Target
6. Laundry
7. Bedroom in tip top shape

Pretty good day here.

I got up and rolled out of bed this morning.  Got dressed and immediately went to work.  My breakfast was shoved quickly in my purse.  Finished grading in just the nick of time (noon.)

I came home. Did some laundry.  Watered.  Found squash bugs.  Learned some tips on how to deal with squash bugs.  (Literally squash bugs.  They're on my zucchini plants.  OUTSIDE! YES!)

I made some zucchini lasagna.  Ate some zucchini lasagna.  Let it all settle and then went for a walk/run.

When I finish this I'm going to fold some laundry and head to bed. 

I'm meeting with Mimi tomorrow at 11am for a 2 hour workout.  It's our last workout before she moves off.  So we're going to make it long and probably quite difficult. 

Tomorrow night I'm meeting up with a new writing group.

Early next week I start part-time summer job hunting and V. comes for a visit!

O.y. V.e.y.

Nothing is ever as easy as you think'll it be.  Especially when you aren't think it'll be all that easy.

Damn bugs.

The fogging didn't do the trick.
But I've spent the week in a constant swing between getting things cleaned/washed from having been fogged and continuing to try to get rid of dem bugs.  I'd rather not go into too much detail, but let's say it's like I've had to move out of the kitchen, go to war with insects, and move back in.  Still moving back in.  The dishwasher is taking care of all the stuff from inside the drawers right now.  Then it'll be time to attack the pots and pans.  Then finally figure out the new dishes/old dishes situation and get those washed and put in.  Then?  I want to start rearranging furniture and painting.  I've got my work cut out for me.

Also going on at the moment is Bailey running around the backyard on a beautifully cool evening.  Zukes nad cukes are both blooming.  Tomatoes are growing.  Beans are running.

A Pur water filter is soaking the required 15 minutes before I rinse it and then put it in the pitcher.

The rest of my Saturday night will involve heating up soup and watching the last episodes of season 1 of Treme.

And oh.  Leo quit.

YAY!

Sometimes it really helps to write out a plan.

A few things need to happen in my household soon.

1. Sort through dishes and make box of things to take to Goodwill.
2.Wash and put out dishes I've had in boxes for years for when I finally ended up somewhere.
3. Fog the kitchen for roaches.
4. Move in the groovy little chest freezer I got on Craigslist for a steal and the repainted.


So the question is: how to do this is the most logical, productive way?

After I fog, everything is gonna be kinda gross.  So it would make sense to go ahead and pack up the stuff I want to donate, but not yet put out the stuff I want to use.  After I fog I'll be running the dishwasher lots and so can stick said new dishes in that job.  Then move the freezer in once I've cleaned up post fogging.

Complications:

1. If I pack up most of my dishes to donate, then I don't have dishes (getting rid of most) until Wednesday at best. 
2. Where do the critters and I go while fogging happens?

Okay, 2 is easy.  We'll all go hang out in my office.

And I just need a plan in place for 1.

I'll have a smoothie or oatmeal in the morning.  Easy enough to clean up before fogging.  I'll take my lunch to work, no biggie there.  Dinner is the problem.  I could get fast food and eat it in the office, but...I'd rather not.  It's money I should spend and junk I shouldn't eat.

I have some bean soup in the freezer.  I could take it out tonight and stick it in the fridge.  Then grab it as we head up to my office and heat it up and eat there.

Have I solved all my problems?

Time to get to sorting. 

You know, except I'm tired and have a headache.  I could watch one more episode of Treme instead.  Then wash the dishes in the sink and go to bed.  I could come home early enough to sort, then fog.

Procrastination, thy name is Jackie

Life's been busy, and a bit unfun.

Had a bad reaction to some medication and had a very sick night or two.

Have recovered.

Rediscovered today how much I love making to do lists on paper.  The joy of checking something off or scratching it out.  The portability of a list.  Crossed all ten things off today.

---

Have been watching Treme.  So very much want to drive the five short hours to New Orleans.  Or the one and a quarter to Shreveport. 

Sometime Tuesday night I felt something weird going on with my back, right around one of my tattoos.  The skin felt kinda numb and tingly.  Then it hurt a little.  The skin, though, not the muscle.

At first I wondered if I did something while working out with Mimi the day before, but dismissed it because nothing was sore, it was numb.

Worry.  Worry.  Dr. Google.  Searching about diabetic peripheral neuropathy.  More worry.

At the doctor's office today, she had me take my sweater off, and began prodding around my back.  She asked if my arms were numb or hurt.  Nope.  My neck?  Nope.  She prodded and then ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that felt good.  And she asked when I had worked out last.  Monday.  Did I do any upper body stuff?  Bicep curls with overhead presses.

Yeah.  I pulled something, just a little probably, and it probably swelled up and is probably putting pressure on some nerves making my skin feel numb.

She prescribed some muscle relaxers which weren't supposed to make me sleepy, but WOW I'm druggy and tired.  If it's not back to normal in two weeks, I go back and she spends more time looking at my neck.

It's all fine.

And I'm tired.  And druggy.  And my head hurts.  And I don't think there's much else to talk about for now.

Tomorrow:
1. Lunch with Sylvie
2. Party at chair's house

Another friend of a friend's brother committed suicide.  That's twice in 2011.

A...friend...in NYC was severely beaten earlier this month.  Found out about it this afternoon.  Horrible.  She was walking her dogs and a man assaulted her.  From what I understand it was a hate crime; she's a lesbian.  I feel horrible for her.  And I also sorta feel...guilty.  She and I have a complicated relationship.  We were constantly put up against each other in our area of specialty in grad school all the time.  We've always been civil to one another, but there's also always been tension and some animosity.  We were rivals.  And people didn't hesitate to tell us what we were doing/saying when the other wasn't around.  And now I feel like a schmuck for ever wanting anything but joy for her.  She's in bad shape, and I can only imagine a lot of pain.

And nothing in comparison by any means, but I've got a small little medical issue type thing that's freaking me out a little bit.  No need for worry. Nothing hurts and it's not like I found a potential tumor or anything.  It's just a diabetes complication thing that I don't want to talk about until I know what's going on.  I have a doctor's appointment at 11am tomorrow.

I'm ready for the weekend.

---

Tomorrow:
1. Dr. apt
2. Keep grading

*knocking on wood*
We're having a pretty good thunderstorm and Bailey isn't freaking out.  I don't know why, but I'm going to be happy about it while it lasts.

---

No sugar today!  I feel fine.  No real temptations, either.

---

I had a The Biggest Loser moment.  I was on the treadmill.  Going about 3.5mph on a 2.5 incline.  Mimi comes in.  We talk.  I think she's about to tell me to hop off and come work out with her.  But no.  She says, "Take it to 5."

"I can't."
"You can."
"I've never gone that fast on the treadmill."
"You will today."

And then I did.  For a solid minute.

And then she worked the hell out of my legs.

Rain or shine I'm getting up in the morning and having a smoothie.  Then I'm going to get dressed and drive down to the park and see how far I can run without stopping.  I'll do the rest of the lap in intervals.  It's only a mile.  We'll see what happens.  Maybe I'll even do it twice.

---

Tomorrow:
1. Run, as outlined above.
2. Grade and record more quizzes.  (I finished about 3/4 of it today.)
3. Go see play.

Sunday, part 3

I did everything but Killz the bookshelf again.  I'm not worried.  And the boxes are out of the house! Now I need to empty the filled boxes.  That can wait until next weekend.

I want to read.  I want to spend some time writing out what I'm hoping to achieve by giving up sugar.  I want to menu plan.  I want to set goals.

But?  I'm pooped.

I'm going to honor that and just go to bed.  Maybe I'll be new-agey and do some visualizations about me sugar-free.

Tomorrow:
1. grade and record all quizzes
2. print last quizzes
3. work out with Mimi
4. book club at 7:30pm
5. don't eat any sugar

Thought I had while moving boxes out to the storage shed:

I want to live my life for the way it is now, not for the way I hope it might be later.

I don't mean this in a goal-less, dream-less way.  But in a "why do I have so much stuff boxed up to use when I finally end up somewhere" way.

the brain and the brawn

Mimi has a theory.  She finds that her clients, myself included, have much stronger left arms than right arms.  With the exception of left handed clients whose right arms are stronger.

She thinks this is because we carry groceries, books, kids, etc with our left arms so that our right hands can negotiate things like keys and doorknobs.  The right arm is the brain, the left is the brawn.

I would like to make my right arm stronger.

---

As you can see by my to do list from yesterday, I got a lot done! I even went to dinner with Sue.

And.  I talked to some pals online and discovered I'm not the only one having problems with sugar.  And we've decided collectively to go on a sugar fast.  It'll mean slightly different things for each of us, but I think it'll be a great support system.  Some are trying for a week.  Others a month.  I am going until my birthday--which is the middle of June.  Starting tomorrow.

Only sucrose counts.  I'm fine with fruit and a little honey.  Artificial sweetener as I've already been using it (in tea and coffee) is fine.

Those of you with me when I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes a year ago will know I've already done this once.  But I'd like to do it for good.  With birthday and major holiday exceptions.  Or,  you know, maybe just birthday.

My friend m.y. also told me about a book and eating system called The Eat-Clean Diet Recharged! by Tosca Reno.  I picked it up at the bookstore last night, and am going to peruse it today.

Also happening today:
1. Lots of cooking: beans/sausage, chicken/salsa, chicken salad, oatmeal, sweet potatoes
2. Some laundry.  Not a lot.  Just enough to get through the week.  Ish.
3. Change sheets (Bailey has been eating too much grass lately.  Puke-arama.)
4. 2nd coat of killz on bookshelf
5. Put all empty cardboard boxes in storage space outside.  (this is HUGE!)

self help hell

I didn't hear from Sue, I intentionally (and lazily) didn't work out.  But honestly I forgot all about changing the cat litter.  I do better when I check on my list during the day.  But I'm not overly concerned about that.  Grey will forgive me, and she'll get a clean box tomorrow.

I took a lot off Bailey's pants and tail.  The wings on her front legs are gone.  I snipped a bit from her chest.  I'm going to see how this goes.  Maybe it was just enough?  I can hope.  The sweetheart laid on the floor with her head on my lap the whole time I snip snipped.  (Which made it an awkward reach sometimes, but it was worth it.)

I made a big pot of Rancho Gordo beans just for me.  They are delicious.  Will be turning them into refried beans tomorrow to go with the Mexican chicken casserole stuff I'm making on Sunday.

I did a Google search for sugar addiction.  The Wikipedia entry on the matter was good, but everything else on that first page of search results sang out like a Self Help Hell.  I'd like to read something on the matter that isn't trying to sell me something, too.

Tomorrow:
1. Farmer's Market (slept instead)
2. Gym/walking
3. Cat box! (included taking it out and scrubbing it!)
4. Killz bookshelf
5. Plant ginger lilies (got more from Dianne)
6. Wash/hang dry bedding
7. Wash Asics and New Balances (so wear Brooks, duh.)
8. Clean out freezer.
9. Hang art in work out room.

I'm eating too much damn sugar.  Maybe it is time I look up sugar addiction on the www.  I still don't want to.  Because what if it's really something and I'm not just making it up.

I did a Passover seder at a friend's church tonight.  It was much more fun than I thought it'd be, and so took me back to my childhood.  I like to think my parents would be proud.


I do have some charoset in the refrigerator.  I need to think of a non-carb way of eating it.  Other than with a spoon.  Might be good in oatmeal?

It's a long weekend.  Off today through Monday.  So I'm going to be fairly limited with my to do's until Monday (when I will have a long work-oriented one that I will be thankful later for tending to now.)

Tomorrow:
1. Begin giving Bailey a trim.  See how it goes.
2. Hang out with CeeCee and her friend (maybe...)
3. Hang out with Sue (maybe...)
4. New litter in litterbox.
5. Walk/lift weights.

brain in the way

Apparently there are variations on the burpee.  And they kick my ass.  Hard.

For the first time ever, we only managed through three different exercises.  Bicep curls, reverse lunges, and the burpees from hell.  I cried a little.  I felt like that kid in 4th grade, again.  The one who couldn't do a single pull up.  Could hardly do all the running.  Who felt awkward and pathetic.  It didn't last long, maybe five-ten minutes.  But it sucked.

I think about people who lose weight really quickly.  Like on The Biggest Loser or with surgery.  I understand the physical side of it is really tough, even though it's happening quickly.  I get it.  I get that it's probably tougher in a lot of ways than I've experienced this last year.

But what I don't understand is how they work through the emotional/psychological stuff.  My head gets in my way far more often than my body does.

It's been almost a year.  And what the hell, I'll tell you, I've gone from 252 to 195.  I started in a size 24W.  I'm easily in a size 16 (no W.)  I weigh what I weighed my senior year of high school.  I'm wearing clothes I wore as a junior.  That was over 20 years ago.

I was wearing shoes in size 9.  Often wides.  Now? 7 or 7.5 depending on the brand.

I've gone from not being able to do 20 minutes on the elliptical to doing 60.  I couldn't walk a mile without severe leg cramps.  Now I can walk-jog-run about a 5k. 

I've made huge progress.  I'm really liking what I see in the mirror.  I can even pull of this new short do I've got going on.

But I don't get all that most of the time.  Usually looking in the mirror surprises me.  Especially full-length ones.

Sometimes I will look at a pair of my jeans and can't imagine how they possibly fit me.

Then there are the other times.  When I look at my new, much smaller jeans and think they look huge.  Look at my new t-shirts (men's size medium) and think they're enormous.

I'm working through it.  I just have to keep proving these old ideas of myself wrong.  And while it's hard, it's not impossible.  I've got the time to do it.  And when I hover around a certain weight range for awhile, it tends to help.  I adjust.  I get used to it.  Then I move on.

I think if I did it Biggest Loser fast or surgery fast I'd be a fucking nutcase.

I'm going to bed now and hoping I'm able to walk tomorrow.

Oh! Found a video.  Ignore her first exercise, and then combine, yes COMBINE the last two.  Plank, then rows, then hop up, then lift.  Then down into plank again.  Ow.

It's gonna be a great day!

It is a gorgeous day!

I went to breakfast this morning with some of our British students.  Then to Walmart for a thing or two for the garden.  I'm about to head out into the backyard in a tank top and enjoy the hell out of it.

Today I am going to:

1. Soak and make some Rancho Gordo beans.(today is not a bean day.  will soak over night for tomorrow.)
2. Plant everything that needs planting. (tomatoes, ginger lilies, zukes, cucumbers, sweet peas, nasturtiums, petite chili peppers)
3. Fertilize garden. (gonna do this the next time I water.)
4. Do a bit of laundry.
5. Weights at home.
6. Walk with CeeCee.
7.Work on dresser.

I first noticed him as I was about to make a right onto South Street this morning.  I was driving to school.  He was to my left, walking down the sidewalk in front of the Baptist church.

Tall and willowy.  Blue jeans. Blue chambray shirt.  Dark cowboy hat.  He walked like an animation.  His arms swung to and fro in front of him.  Big, wide, and slow.

He was very tall, and I couldn't not think about the long shadow he'd cast down at noon.

There was something very shadowy about him.  As though he was he was a weather system.  A cloud.

Long after I turned I kept watching him in my rear view mirror.  A myth walking through the center of town.

easy like Wednesday afternoon

Today was kind of like a day off, but not.

I got up and got dressed.  Promised CeeCee I'd bring her a smoothie from Smoothie King, so of course got one for me, too.  So didn't have to make breakfast.

Classes were smooth and easy today.

Then lunch, which was out but cheap.  I had a bunless burger at Cotton Patch with onion rings.  It was all sooo good, but way heavier than I'm used to eating.

Mimi rescheduled our apt today for Friday, so I came home and crashed.  Slept all afternoon.  There were things I wanted to get done and didn't because of said nap, but you know what? I don't regret it for a second.

I went to friends for dinner, and that was lovely.  I had a piece of turtle pie.  Shouldn't have, I know, but it was good.  I savored it, at least.  Didn't just throw it back and then go for more.

So no serious work and no working out.  And no to do list.  I think I'm even going to skip my nightly pushups.  Just gone do an 8 breath downward dog and hit the sack with a book or a magazine.  And the prettiest girls in town.

But, yeah, I want a to do list for tomorrow.

1. apt with tax lady at noon
2. happy hour with Sue at 5pm
3. make chicken/zukes and sweet potatoes
4. freeze beans
5. really and actually send those e-mails about radio drama
6. Do some weights at home and go walk in the park (see if CeeCee wants to come with.)

one of these days I really do want to put the lime in the coconut

I did a lot of cardio today.

I mowed the front yard, then about a third of the backyard.  Then CeeCee came over and we walked about a mile and a half around a park near my house.  Then I came home and finished the back yard.  I live on a half acre plot.  That's a lot of walking.  A lot of walking and pushing.

I also went to Lowe's during all that to get some lawn mower oil.  Also got a pretty white picket fence to put around my garden and keep the puppy from walking all over it.  (She's five.  She's still a puppy to me.)  And I picked up some tomato, cucumber, and zucchini plants.  As I watered this evening I noticed sweet little green things coming up in the garden.  So much sooner than I thought!  From what I can tell it's the yard long beans and nasturtiums. 

That cooking I was going to do?  I had a big bowl of cereal for dinner.  A sliced up banana, a bunch of sliced strawberries, a little Fibre One, and some almond milk.  Mmmmmmmm.  Hit the spot.  No heat cooking is my favorite sometimes.  I'm totally going to have a sugar free Luigi's ice thing in a bit.

And you know what?  NOT doing a to do list!

Cutting back on the to do.

Poor B.  He's lucky this eval isn't really all that important.  It's just something for his records.  (He's an undergrad that came and taught a lesson to my non-majors class.)  Totally going to get to it this week.  Totally.

I didn't send out the e-mails for the radio drama thing, but that's because I wanted to get the hell out of dodge after classes.  I'm on campus much longer on Tuesdays, so I'll do it tomorrow.

I did, though, trim my bushes.  And Mimi totally kicked my butt.  I thought having shorter hair would make me sweat less.  Nope.  And now my sweat has less to absorb it.  So it runs off my neck and onto the floor.  Pretty!

No, I'm not going to wear a headband.

I sliced a ton of strawberries.

I hung out with my neighbor for a bit.  She even brought her dog over, who got along famously with Bailey.

---

At the gym today, Mimi made me turn around and do back lunges facing the mirror instead of her.  "I hate looking at myself," I said.

"Do it anyway," she said.

"Oh! This is much better than I thought!" I said.

I keep expecting to see the me of last year every time I look in the mirror.  The me of last year has shrunk and prettied up.  Buffed a bit, too.

---

Lots on my mind tonight.

The other day CeeCee and I were talking about Leo. I said that I missed so much who I thought he was.  I missed the long talks, the adventures, the fun.

I told her that I thought he was just being who he thought I wanted him to be.

"I think he was just giving you you back.  He was reflecting what he saw in you back at you.  So all that fun, adventure, and good conversation was about you.  It's who you are.  Not who he is."

I think she might be right.  And that makes me smile.

"So, that means, then, that I fell in-love with me."

"Who better to fall in-love with?"

---

Tomorrow:
1. Gym
2. Mow lawn
3. Do some cooking.

Not only did I do everything on my to do list for today, I also did extra stuff!

I hooked up the printer.  Now need to get ink, but I can do that eventually.

I made garden markers out of wooden chopsticks, and planted seeds for three kinds of lettuce, spinach, basil, hot peppers, bell peppers, yard long beans, sweet peas, and nasturtiums.  And I cleaned off my desk.

None too shabby.

It was a good day.  I slept great last night.  Like a rock.  I was productive.  I got to spend time with friends.  Listened to good music.  All good.  Even had a lovely convo with EAS.

Oh! And had quality time with both my favorite 5 year-olds.

Tomorrow:
1. Send e-mails regarding radio drama.
2. Go to Diannes (take 3 drawers.)
3. Meet Mimi.
4. CARDIO!!! (Want to try to go in the morning, but if not until after Mimi, that's fine.)
5. Write B's eval!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6. WalMart for ink, low carb ice cream bars, and small packs of graham crackers.
7. CVS for Rx.
8. Take blood glucose 2x.

Not only did I get the herbs planted and the compost bin cleaned out, I weeded, bagged up leaves and weeds, tilled the bed, and almost filled the seed pots.  It would seem, though, that last year's bag of potting soil has become its own ant bed.  My left hand found out the hard way.

So stopped with the gardening immediately.  Showered.  Took benadryl.  Passed out for two hours.

Then CeeCee came and got me.  We went to go see a play, then to dinner.  Now I'm home again and likely passing out in the next ten minutes.

Tomorrow:
1. Grocery
2. Visit Dianne if time, actually called and rescheduled
3. Cook
4. Dinner with friends
5. Hook up computer speakers
6. Set up wireless router: set up and have decided I don't want it afterall.
7. Talk to EAS on phone for as long as we like.
8. Hook up printer.

vitamix-envy

I think I had a pretty good day today.  (When will I know for sure?)

Had a great conversation at the coffee shop this morning.  Was almost late to class so had to walk quickly instead of driving (ironic, isn't it?)  Good classes.  Lunch out with CeeCee.  Meeting with the boss went great.

I got to come home for a few hours.  I cleaned.  Hung out with Bailey.  Watched the first hour of Love and Other Drugs, then went over to Jessie's for a smoothie.  She got a Vitamix.  I have such envy.  Or jealousy.  Whichever one means I want one, too...but not steal hers away.

Was going to go have a drink with a friend after that but friend bailed, and I was actually happy about it.  Came back home and am hanging with the pup.  Am going to finish the movie and then we'll hit the hay.

Didn't work out today. Or yesterday.  That MUST change tomorrow.  MUST.  Darnit.  I also have some kind of hangup about planting herbs and writing B's eval.

Tomorrow:
(in order, I hope)
1. Farmers market.
2. Trip to neighbor city.
3. Work out.
4. Plant herbs.
5. Clean out compost bin.
6. Return movie
7. Go to play.

Sunday:
1. Grocery
2. Visit Dianne
3. Cook
4. Dinner with friends

my feng shui is still all cluttered up and shit

I haven't had anything sweet today, other than my usual smoothie for breakfast.  Which isn't a sweet in the same way as, let's say, chocolate peanut butter eggs.  And I'm fine.

Maybe it is all or nothing?  I'm a sugarholic.  I've not let myself google this yet.

I didn't do the cardio I meant to do today.  Partly because I'm sore from yesterday.  Okay, that's bullshit.  That didn't have anything to do with it.  I got suited up to go, and then decided I'd do the vacuuming really quick first.  Then I folded the last bit of laundry.  Then I swept.  Then I sorted my clothes into boxes (while the dresser awaits refinishing.)  I talked to a good friend on the phone to wish her a happy birthday.  I e-mailed with my contact person at the theatre in NY.  And the next thing I knew it was time to unsuit, take a shower, eat dinner, and head up to the theatre for the bluegrass concert.

I'll own up to doing something to procrastinate doing something else.  That likely played a part.  But me and my life have felt so unorganized and so messy lately, that I'm glad I'm taking the time to clean up and sort through.  Still a ton to do, but if I can just get my usual living spaces all settled then I think getting out to the gym and to walk/run without the accountability of Mimi waiting for me will be easier.

Tomorrow:
1. The herbs already, damnit.
2. Also with the eval for B.
3. Meeting with boss at 2pm
4. Gym (decide before what muscles to do, 45 min on elliptical or 45 min on trail.)
5. Clean off kitchen table.
6. Watch Love and Other Drugs and return before 9pm
7. Make arrangements with Emma et al for Farmer's Market

don't pour that sugar on me. don't get it anywhere near me.

I don't think anything significant happened today.

I took a nap.  That was nice.  There were classes.  The gym.  Lunch with CeeCee.

That's it.

Well.  Okay.  I think I have a problem, and I fear I might sound like a dork.  Or over-dramatic or something.

A friend online mentioned something about Dove peanut butter eggs.  I love Dove.  I love peanut butter.  I was on a mission.  I found them on my way home from classes.  My thought was that I'd just have one.  One a day.  They're small.  Ish.

I had two.  Then two more.  Then another.  Then the nap.  Then another.  Then I threw them in the very back of the freezer so I'd forget about them.  Then I had another.  And finally one more before I took them and dumped them in the outside trash bin.  At least I got to that part.  At least I threw them away.  On my way to the gym of all places.

Generally speaking, I don't think of myself as an over-eater.  I may have eaten larger than healthy portions throughout my life, but never in an uncontrolled way.

But then there's sugar.  I have a really, really hard time stopping myself from eating it.  If it's in my possession I'll eat it.  Not just one. It's humbling to admit that. I (let myself?) lose control with the sugar.

Can you be addicted to sugar?

Hm.

Tomorrow:
1. Plant the herbs!
2. Call and make an apt with the HR Block lady.
3. Cardio (gym or trail)
4. Eval for B.
5. Vacuum what I didn't vacuum today.
6. Bluegrass concert
7. Finish grading papers.
8. Call AT&T to cancel landline (did this and they gave me huge discount instead.)

a heartache tonight, I know

I didn't get the herbs in the garden before it got dark.  They're fine in their wee little pots and can go in tomorrow.  Laundry is definitely still in process.  I hadn't realized how much I let build up.  One more load of clothes, then one of towels.

But I've done other things.  I made a quiche for CeeCee.  Crustless.  And one for her son that's just bacon and cheese.  And two tiny ones for me.  And it was nice.  And relaxing. And I've already done all the dishes and the kitchen is cleaned up.  Lunch for tomorrow is packed and ready to go, too.

Sent the e-mail to the wine maker this afternoon.  No reply.  Don't know if I expect one or not.  It was very short and very (I hope) nice.  I feel a little sad.  Mostly about likely making him sad.  

I think I'm going to go clean out my make-up drawer in the bathroom (random impulse, but a needed one) and then take the book I got from a dear sweet friend to bed with me.  (Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui by Karen Kingston which deals at least some with my tendency to hoard empty boxes.)  I may take a Pamprin first.

Tomorrow:

1. Gym
2. Check for Mimi
3. Eval for B
4. Plant herbs
5. Finish what's left of laundry
6. Return Social Netowrk unwatched (oy)
7. Finish grading section 10's production critiques
8. Vacuum living room rug and 2nd bedroom
9. Go to Dianne's (if time, if not resched with her)
10. Call to see how J's interview went
11. Go to show tomorrow night

good thing I'm not much of a drinker

I went out with the wine maker again tonight.  Had an okay time.  He's a nice man.  But there's not any magic there for me.  Time to construct the nice e-mail.  Wish I could keep his dog, though.  She and I had magic (of an appropriate nature, thanks.)

Now at least 3/3 gay men approve of my hair.  If I were to make assumptions about my own students that number would jump to 8/8.

I've been invited to join a writer group.  Poetry-specific.  They meet later this month.  Am very excited.

I don't intend this to become a to do list, but it really helps me keep my brain focused.

One day at a time.

Tomorrow:
1. Gym
2. Empty dish washer
3. Finish laundry and put clothes in appropriate spots (boxes while I wait to finish refinishing dresser.)
4. Watch and return Social Network
5. Plant herbs.
6. Grade last quizzes/enter grades

Maybe that's low expectations, but I'd like to be able to cross everything off for once.

Solitude and the Single Woman

I've been really social lately, and tomorrow I need to not be.  I need a day just to me and the four legged friends in my life.

I want to cook.  CLEAN.  Do some work out in my beds.  Watch a movie.  Make coffee.  Nap.  Read.  God forbid, maybe write.

I don't think there are enough hours to cover all of that.  Or to cover as much of it as need be done.  Especially the cleaning part.  My house is a mess.

Got my hair cut short.  First time in long, long time.  Very cute.  So far 2/2 gay men approve.

I'm thinking I kinda just want to be single for a bit.  Completely single.  Of my own accord.  For a bit.  Have one, maybe two men to shake before that can happen.  (That sounds harsher than I mean it.)  Just want to deal with my own stuff.  Want to stop looking.  For a bit. 

I think there's a pretty significant difference between being single by chance and being single by choice.  I want the choice.

For a bit.

I'd rather just burp.

Today Mimi had me do mountain climbers, some other crazy stuff that hurt, and then... oh lord ... then Burpees.

Yeah.  Those.  Only I was holding an 8# weight in each hand.

I'm already sore.

Good.  But sore.

know any good bed time stories?

I've had a pretty good day.

Classes went well.  Gave tests, made assignments, got some grading done.

I went and got pet food I feel good about.  I've fed the girls grocery store brands (well, Purina brands) for just about ever.  And I got to thinking one day about how they really are my family, and when I went to feed them that night I thought, "I feed my family like crap." So I got the good stuff for them, and am committing to sticking with it and making adjustments elsewhere with my budget.  (I'll be going from spending about $25/month on food for both to around $50/month on both.  I can manage that.)

Then I came home and did some major cleaning in my bedroom.  Had a solid stand up dinner. Went outside to toss the ball around with Bailey, and ended up getting a lot of weeding done because the air was so nice and cool out.  Took a nap.  Listened to some health-related podcasts.

It looks like I'm actually going to make it to bed before 11pm, too!  Hell, if I start moving now I could be in bed with a book by 10:20pm.

and I did it with jazz hands

It really is all mental.  Just about all of it.

Mimi had me do side planks today.  Side planks.  Oy.  What's a side plank?

Yeah.  I told her I couldn't.  Then I did it on my left side.  It was hard, but I did it relatively quickly.  But then came my right side.  And I told her I couldn't do it.  And I kept trying.  And telling her I couldn't do it.  And she kept telling me I could.

Then she had me do the left side again, and as I was getting up into the plank, she said, "Remember how this feels.  And re-create it on the other side."

And I did.  I totally did.

And I mentioned before that eating hasn't been so good for me lately.  I've caved to temptation, sweet temptation, far too often.

But not today. Not when I was at the coffee shop and they had muffins.  Not when I went to the other coffee shop and they had cherry cake.  Not when I went in to grab a bottle of water at the gas station and had all that candy looking at me.  Not when I went to the grocery store for dog food.  I thought about it.  Each and every time I was just THIS close to doing it.  But, somehow I made it into a game.  A "I bet you can do it.  I bet you can get out of here without stuffing something bad in your face" game.  And I let myself celebrate and be happy about it.  Let myself think of me as strong.  And in control.

Sometimes it really is about just believing you can do it.

If I can do a side plank, I sure as hell can pass on a piece of cake.

when dreams were all they gave for free to ugly duckling girls like me...

All better.  With the exception of the allergies that are now plaguing me and everyone else in the Piny Woods.  Spring time!  Azaleas! Magnolias! Irises! Sneezing!

I got better.  And then it was Spring Break.  And then I was in a play.  Well.  I was the narrator for a cabaret show on 60's folk music.  Kept me busy but was far from difficult.  Rather enjoyable to hear some of those beautiful voices every night.

So today begins life going back to normal.

But to catch you up, in brief, on my other goings on...

1. One of my scripts got picked up by a new theatre company in Manhattan.  It's slated for production in October of this year.  WOO!

2.  My contract got extended and a title promotion is in progress.  I can't express to you the relief I felt when the words came outta my boss's mouth.

3. I've decided to stay in the house I'm in, and am negotiating some things with my landlord.  (I want to paint, add a digital thermostat, and have some plumbing looked at.)

4. I'm having tax issues.  They're being taken care of and their for years ago when I had inheritance things to deal with, but wow it's stressful.

5. I'm cooking for three families now.

6. Have gone out a couple of times with a new man.  Like him.  Afraid he might be too much older than me.  But we'll see.

And I've been working out with Mimi pretty regularly but have done a piss poor job of working out on my own.  Also done not a great job eating.  I had a big dessert last night.  Shouldn't have.  I forget how horrible I feel afterward.  Went to bed feeling sooooo nauseous.  M.u.s.t.  r.e.m.e.m.b.e.r.  Not only is it bad for my blood sugar and my waistline, it makes me wanna puke.

So today I've got a ton to do.  But I want to try to do it as leisurely as I can manage.

A. Wash and put away dishes.
B. Grocery store.
C. Cooking.
D. Wash and put away dishes, again.
E. Assign final projects for section 2.
F. Laundry.
G. Work out.  (Might kill 2 birds with one stone and count weeding the garden as exercise.)
H. Go to Jessie's for an hour-ish.
I. Pick one room in the house and make it clean.
J. Change out litter box.

This whole week I need to focus on grading, assigning, and making my house/life livable again.  As well as eating better and exercising regularly (especially cardio.)

Yeah.

No rash. Yet.

I did some googling.

Cipro (ciprofloxacin) is an antibiotic used to treat a variety of infections. Some of the more common side effects associated with ciprofloxacin are nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, abdominal pain, headache, dizziness, restlessness, light-headedness, insomnia, sensitivity to sunlight, itching, rash, and anxiety.

No diarrhea or rash yet, but everything else is accounted for.

At least I know I'm not going crazy.  And that it's temporary.

---

Working out with Mimi was hard today.  I felt like a weakling the whole time.  But I got through the half hour and did everything she told me to.  With a few breaks.  And many trips to the water fountain.

Afterward she told me to stretch and go home and take a nap.  I obeyed.  No cardio today.

Tomorrow there will be walking.

---

I've started a book club!  We met for the first time tonight, and I think we all had a great time.  There was only one person I didn't know and she was really cool.

I chose Siddhartha for our first book, and am soooo glad everyone liked it so much.  It seemed to make a pretty deep impression on JD, who said she's going through her own search for self and purpose the last few weeks.

Next up is an anthology of Middle Eastern poetry.

Parenthetically Speaking

Pill taking in the morning and at night has become an ordeal.  Like I have to schedule in time to do it.  Ready to be healthy again.

I've felt a little anxious today.  Maybe more than a little.

I want to blame that on the medicine, too.  I hope that's realistic.

The antibiotic I'm on has insomnia as a side effect that seems to be effecting me.  I'm sleeping, but not through the night.  And every time I wake up it takes me forever to go back to sleep.  Have to play word games in my head.

The nasal spray has steroids in it.  Probably not a ton, but I feel like I can feel it.

Bad sleep.  Restless.  Anxious.  And today I alternated between being starving and nauseous.  I ate breakfast and then a very late dinner.  Feeling okay now, but I kept having to take 10 minute lie downs to get through the day of cooking.

(Chicken salad (almonds and grapes), two meatloaves (one gluten-free), roasted sweet potatoes (half with garlic, half with red chili powder), 10 quarts of chicken soup (3 organic).)

I love to cook.  But I'm going to love doing it large scale like this when I'm fully recuperated.

(I cook for two families if I haven't mentioned that before.  They pay for the groceries; I do the shopping and cooking.  I keep a quarter of whatever I make for each family. My own grocery bill is now like $15/week for breakfast, beverages, and paper products.)

Outta sorts today.

I'll feel better tomorrow.  Going to work out with Mimi.  That should help immensely.  Then the first meeting of my new book club tomorrow night.

Apparently more succint when I'm sick.

I got up early this morning and went to the farmer's market.  I made a smoothie when I got home.  Drank it as I took all my pills.  Then, uh, went back to bed.  Until 1:30pm.

I really slept today.  I also grocery shopped, talked on the phone, made red chili powder and crushed red pepper, poached chicken for chicken salad, and did a ton of laundry.

It's just after 10pm now, and I'm heading back to bed.

I feel okay.  Just really tired.  And know sleep will help all these pills I'm about to take again do their job.

I might be able to bench press Mimi by Monday.

I woke up around 3:30am and couldn't get back to sleep.

I've been so hungry and compelled to eat.

A little anxious. 

A tiny bit crabby.

Able to read my bullshit detector very clearly.

This is the effect steroids have on me.

But, damn.  I can BREATHE!

Right this moment I am savoring the feeling of air passing through my nasal cavity.  So sweet.

But my blood pressure was great! 116/72

Bronchitis and a sinus infection.

Antibiotics, Flonase, Mucinex D, steroid shot, nebulizer treatment.

See.  I wasn't just faking it.

Big box of Puffs with lotion, frozen cherries, Greek yogurt.

Siddhartha.

Hot refried beans from Taco Bueno.

I'm settled in for the night.

this, that, the other

Not much new to report.

Still sick.

Mimi has me on strict orders to not work out until Monday.

I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow afternoon if I need it.

I can't get my moonroof to close and it's supposed to rain tomorrow.  Big rain.

And my friends?  Make life good.

UPDATE: I hit "publish post" grabbed my keys and made the moonroof close.  Took a little patience and some creative thinking, but it worked.  

Don't you know God is Pooh Bear?

-*cough*-   -*cough*-

Seriously.  Enough.  I'm tired. 

Maybe it's working out my abs, though.

I think I'll feel fine enough to work out with Mimi. I hope anyway.

I'm supposed to go to a fairly important (to me, even) family function this weekend, but I think I am going to be responsible and play the sick card.  Even if I am feeling perfect I've got so much to catch up on.  Not so much work, but home. I need to do laundry.  Change my bed linens.  Give the bathroom a good scrub.  I'd like to get my back bed ready for spring planting.  I'd like to sleep a lot.  I'd like to work out plenty.

It seemed to be a down, low-energy sort of day for a lot of people.  Maybe it's the stars.  Maybe they'll realign tomorrow.

I watched Howl with James Franco tonight . Well, he was in the movie.  He wasn't sitting next to me.  Though that would've been cool.

I thought it was going to be more of a biopic, rather than a docu-drama on the poem with a bit about Ginsberg.  When I figured out the slant of the movie--in the first few minutes--I decided I wasn't going to like it.  But I did.  Kinda loved it, actually.

And Jon  Hamm was in it.  I dreamed about him last night.  Dreamed he called me "beautiful and plump."  I was just so happy he didn't think I was "ugly and fat."

And I dreamed a little about my Allie.  A dog of mine that died almost two years ago.  She was the first pet that was mine all mine.  She was my rock for 15 years.  It felt like a visit, and I'm still savoring it.

I might watch Howl again before I send it back.  Which is just as well because I can't find it's mailer.  But I want to re-hear Franco recite it.  And I want to hear again and listen better to some of the things Ginsberg says about writing.

I got into the Beat writers in early high school when I had to look up in the encyclopedia who the hell Jack Keroauc was after hearing the 10,000 Maniacs song about him.  I was hooked instantly.  Wrote my senior research paper on the movement.  Have read all of Kerouac's novels.  All of Ginsberg's poetry.  Read biographies, seen documentaries, am even excited about the in-production (I think) film of On the Road.  Dharma Bums made me want to work for the park service.  And oh, Gary Snyder.  Haven't read him in ages.  Must.

---

"Sure, baby, manana." It was always manana. For the next week that was all I heard - manana, a lovely word and one that probably means heaven.
--Jack Kerouac On the Road

I wanna sweat.

I went and got sick again.

Or sick still.

Friday night I went out for drinks.  We sat on the patio and listened to jazz.  As the night got cooler I could feel my throat starting to burn again and my chest feel...uneasy.

I woke up coughing, and have been at it ever since.  I had to cancel with Mimi again today, but at least I made it to class.

I think I'm on the mend.  Don't want to sound too certain lest the other sick shoe drop.  I don't like feeling puny.  I don't like hurting.  Hate coughing.  But I haven't had a really good week of working out in quite some time, and that bugs me the most.  Maybe I should look at this as all part of my readjustment.

Sleep has been my best medicine.  Think I'll go take another dose.

I am my own work out buddy.

Life.  She's interesting.

---

I went to a poetry reading tonight.  I've been reading Kim Addonizio since her first book came out in 1994.  It's the one I took for her to sign tonight.  The reading got my blood pumping, and reminded me how much I've got in me yet to still get out.

I'm a playwright. We know that, right?  A good one, I think.  A produced one.  A produced in NYC one.  A not-yet published one, but I'm working on that.

I enjoy writing fiction from time to time, but there's no burning passion in it for me.  If I'm going to tell that kind of story, I'd rather tell it on stage.

But poetry.  There's a poet in here, too.  A published in some crap tiny lit mags one.  But it's there.  And sometimes there are things I need to say and a play just won't do.  It needs meter.  Or rhyme.  Or brevity.  And that's how the poems grow out of me.

I think poetry and theatre are sisters. Both insist on every word being vital.  Both depend on the sound of the word--and are better when spoken out loud in front of an audience than read silently on the page in your bedroom.  (Well.  Most of the time. There are some of both better read silently in your bedroom.)

I've got stuff in me that needs to get out.

---

Tomorrow is Friday.  I love love love Fridays lately.  Not because it's the last day of the week.  Not because I can wear jeans if I wear a purple shirt.  Not because I don't have office hours.  I love Fridays because Leo doesn't come in on Fridays and I don't have to watch him avoid me.  No tension in the air.

---

I appreciate the concern about my caloric intake!  It inspired me to do some math and some comparing of different recommendations.  I used to aim for 1800 a day, but that was when I weighed 60lbs more.  But in light of the amount of working out I do and the muscle I already have that needs "fed" I've settled upon 1500 even on days I don't work out.  I'll see how that goes for a couple of weeks and adjust if needed.  I don't have huge expectations.  I'd be happy to average a pound a week.

I have found, for me, the best/easiest way to lose weight is to focus on something else.  In the beginning it was my blood sugar levels.  Working to get those under control--through diet and exercise and some oral medication--really helped me drop a lot of weight.  Without dropping the weight being the focus.  Then I tried the whole "lose weight, lose weight!" thing and I plateau-ed.  I plateau-ed, but I also lost a size during that time (about 2-3 months.)  Perhaps my body needed time to shift about.

Now that my blood sugars are well under control, I'm turning the focus to fitness.  And now that I am my own work out buddy, my goals are my own.  And wanting to run is back in the picture.  Tomorrow Bailey and I are gonna hit the trails.  (Bailey is my dog--so not a work out buddy who has opinions much different from my own.) 

---

At the poetry reading I sat next to someone I had a bit of a crush on last year.

I asked him to coffee.  He said yes. 

We'll see.

back to life, back to reality

Was sick and stayed home again yesterday.  I think all the rest did me some good.

Today I headed both back to class and back to the gym.  My throat is still a little sore and I am POOPED, but I feel better.  I'm going to do a few things and then go to bed at old lady o'clock.

I worked out with Mimi today.  We're going again tomorrow to make up for Monday's illness.  Today was arms, tomorrow will be legs.

Today we talked about how to eat healthy when you're sick.  She says to eat what your body craves, which is generally going to be pretty bland stuff.  Greens, she says.  Lots of greens and staying hydrated.

We also talked calories.  She suggests 1350 on days I work out, closer to 1000 on days I don't.  I need to get my Live Strong account up and going again.  It has the best food bank, I think.  And is very easy to use without pushing too hard to make you upgrade your account.

I might be a nerd and do some daily reporting here.  Haven't kept up with calories at all, but:

Weight lifting: 30 minutes
Elliptical:  40 minutes (3.25 miles)

Is it creepy to ask your pets to be your valentine?

Happy Valentine's Day.

I'm sick.  Sore throat. Head ache.  Bleh.  Extra bleh.  Even canceled classes today.

I have my annual review tomorrow, so I'll go in regardless and try to look chipper.  Then come home and crash.

Speaking of crashing, I slept from 9:30pm to 9:30am.  Got up long enough to let Bailey out and call our admin assistant.

I got an e-mail from Leo today requesting that I return his books and coat.  (Not the coat he gave me for Christmas, but another he had let me borrow "until the spring."  I guess Spring has sprung.)  I keep trying to find a way to make this my fault.  Haven't found a way yet.  Think I'll stop trying.

The petty part of me wants to also return all the gifts he's given me.  The nice coat.  The sweatshirts.  The t-shirt.  The book that was a gift.  All of it.  The petty part of me isn't going to win.  She's just going to daydream.

Now I'm either going to watch a dvd or go to bed.  Not sure which.

I broke a different boy's heart last Valentine's day. This must be creating bad karma for me.

Is 8:30pm too soon for bed?

---

I got home from Houston this afternoon.  I picked up Bailey at the kennel, commenced with love, then came home and unloaded the car.  I put away my new Penzey spices, made a call or two, ate dinner, and now I think I'm going to crash. 

I ate a lot this weekend.  And I ate like I'm not a diabetic.  There was some self-medicating and 'dealing' going on.  Friday night was Indian (chicken korma and a simosa), Saturday morning was egg pie, Saturday lunch was a menagerie of Turkish delights, Saturday dinner was Italian at a really great restaurant named after the proprietor's dog.  This morning? Mexican. 

I had beef stew for dinner.  At least one meal was safe.

Tomorrow night I'll cook up a storm and it will all be safe and healthy and also delicious.  (On the menu: quiche, cream of tomato basil soup, spaghetti with whole wheat pasta.)

---

I missed Leo a little this weekend.  Until I recounted the story of him to a dear friend this morning.  When she used the word "douchey" I remembered why I shouldn't be missing him.  Let him ignore me all he wants.

---

So the old flame.

For me the flame has fizzled.  No embers.  No nothing except a man I'd like to be friends with.

He doesn't feel the same.  The word marriage came up more times this weekend than it has in my life.  The more I asked him to slow down the more he propelled himself and his intentions forward.

I didn't make the clean break I should have.  I left it with a big, hearty, "I don't know. Must go very slow." 

I don't want to be douchey.  I should do something more clear soon.

---

Goodnight.  My two best girls and I are heading to bed.

why did the chicken cross the information super highway?

My shoulders don't hurt at all today.

My abs are a whole other story.

But I prefer the hurts-kinda-good soreness to the uptight pain of the shoulders.

Been ignored for a week now.

---

Heading to Houston tomorrow afternoon.  I'm cautiously optimistic.  And I think he hates it wen I put it that way.

---

1. Getting to paint in the scene shop today.
2. Not minding getting stood up (so to speak) at the coffee shop tonight.  Got some alone time and chatted with the barristas.
3. Being told by a major that one of his friends absolutely loved my class last semester.
4. Two good classes today.  Sassy girls on T/Th are calming down a bit.
5. I don't  have to be at school until 10am tomorrow.

Bonus. 6.  A friend is calling me her chicken these days.  I like being someone's chicken.  I don't think she means it in the cowardly or dumb foul sort of way, either.

Not a tortoise or a hare.

Shoulders still hurt.  Maybe a little more.
And for the first time I miss him a little.  Not a lot.  But a little.  I wish he'd snap out of it.

Or maybe I don't.  Maybe this is best.

---

I went to the gym today and it was like going home.  It felt really good to be back there.  Working out with Mimi totally kicked my ass.  Sumo squats do not kid around.  Neither do pull-ups.  I'm worried about how my body is going to be tomorrow.

I was on the elliptical for about half an hour.  I go faster than I used to.  Over the summer I could do a mile in about 14 minutes once I got up to speed.  I did my first mile in 12:20 and my second in 11:44.  I'm not fast.  But I'm fastER.

---

Both excited and apprehensive about the weekend.

We Jews like a good plan and a good price.

My shoulders hurt.

It's been a looooooooong time since they hurt like this.

What makes them hurt like this?  Stress.

I'm still being ignored.

---

Met with Mimi today and had a wonderful time.  I think she and I really bring out the best in one another.  We're all light and love around each other.

We have a plan. A good plan.  An it-tickles-the-Jew-in-me-how-great-the-price-is plan. Like, REALLY TICKLES.  I have to join the local gym again, because she can't go to the one on campus.  That is okay by me, though.  Her for-me fee, plus the gym fee is still $40 cheaper than what she charges normally.

I will be making her dinner often.

And since I'll have a gym membership I can start her yoga class again, too.

---

I'm going out with the mystery man from the past on Friday night.  Going down to H-town to see him.  Have dinner.  See if there's still a flame there.  I'll fill in the details if it is.  I'm just gonna let it go if it's not.

despite the crap I'm shoving in my mouth tonight, I plan to be healthier tomorrow

Know that what I write, I write while eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's Milk & Cookie's ice cream.  Yes, the whole pint.

I'm hitting the reset button tonight.  As soon as I get into bed and shut my eyes.

I am turning the focus back to me.  Back to my health.  Back to my joy.  And if I can make others happy and loved along the way, even better, but somewhere along the way I lost sight of what I had begun to make my life about over the summer.  Me.

There are times when being selfish is the best thing you can be.  Selfish.  Self-caring.  Not self-involved.  Not egotistical.  Not ungenerous.  Not uncaring.  Those qualities aren't in my nature.  But I have to find balance with the giving to others and giving to myself.  I've got to be first in my own line.

I kept working out all semester.  I kept eating mostly-right all semester.  I even added a few things to my repertoire of fitness and nutrition that have bettered my life.  But at some point my motivation switched from taking care of and improving my self because my health/happiness depends on it to getting to spend time/do things with Leo.

I wish that motivation didn't change the outcome, but it did.  I'm still getting healthier mind you, but not at the pace I was and not in the ways I was.  I've always wanted to be a runner.  Always.  Leo doesn't run.  So I didn't run.  Because I was working out with Leo.  I had my diet down to an art, but then Leo came along and talked about the Zone which is a perfectly great diet and one that does compliment diabetes treatment, but...  It wasn't my diet, my art, my way of doing it.  And somewhere along the way I stopped meeting with Mimi (my trainer) in part because of the expense but more due to a lack of time because all my free time was spent with...you're getting the picture, right?

It's time to reset.  Time to start over and take with me what I want (free weights, fish oil, protein) and not feel bad about leaving behind what didn't ring true for me (only walking for cardio, only weight lifting 2x a week, only using the bar bell, the Zone.)

Making these adjustments is going to be difficult.  Or very easy.  It all depends on how Leo and I manage each other this week.  We had some ugly bumps last week, and in the end he seemed to be avoiding me--I just couldn't tell exactly why.

Deep breath.
Push the button.
Go.

Good things. Like eggrolls.

I had to eat an eggroll today.  We all have those days, right?  Where an eggroll is crucial.  It was divine.  And so I got a fortune cookie, too.  "Life is a series of choices.  Today, you  made the right ones."

I did.

1. Student who wrote "I love your class sooooooooooo much" on the back of her quiz.
2. Student who drew a gallon of Rocky Road ice cream on the back of his quiz.
3. Potential snow day tomorrow.  East Texas doesn't see many of those.
4. Did things I've been putting off including mailing a dvd to Australia and e-mailing my personal trainer about getting together soon.
5. That eggroll. 

I like cats and dogs. Can you tell?

I'm tired.

The weekend was great, mostly, but long.  At a conference where I think I saw everyone I knew in undergrad and grad school.  They were all SO complimentary and SO "you're tiny!" and I loved every second of that.

Also spent a LOT of time with colleagues and that wore me out.  Love them in doses, even large ones, but I can't handle being with anyone, really, 24/7.  Anyone not a dog or cat.

Was full on my way to recovery, though, when this morning blew in some huge storms that got the puppyness all upset and after an hour of being up comforting her the power went out.  Didn't come back on until late this afternoon.  I've never had to get ready for work in the dark.  I was just hoping for the best.  Luckily I stayed in the same color group.

I didn't work out with Leo today.  First time I've ever backed out on him, but I needed some space.  We've been bumping into each other's nerves a lot lately, and he's been less than kind about it.  At least it makes it easier to start moving on.

I'm going to wash dishes and head to bed early.

Five Steps. The first two take the longest. For me.

My day today was kinda like one of those scenes in a movie where people are sitting in a dim room and suddenly all these bright lights get turned on.

The glare hurts my eyes.

The realizations hurt my heart a good bit, and also sober me.  And also reassure.

Hindsight is 20/20 and all that.

Leo led me on.  For four months we spent the majority of our time together, had late nights, early mornings, and things this isn't the place to discuss.  And it took someone else assuming I was the "girlfriend" he talked to them about for me to find out he had one.  That obviously is not me.

It took more than a week after I confronted him about it for him to finally admit "someone in his life" existed.  And even now that's all I know.

I bet he hasn't volunteered my existence to her either.

Little things happened today to make me start seeing some of this bullshit a little more clearly.

I've somehow moved through bargaining and denial and am in anger now.  What else is there?  Depression and acceptance?  Alright.  Let's get on with it.

9:30pm

The gym and I kicked each other's arses today.  Then there was the 45 minute speed walk.

Leo is very definitely back.

I remember there were times last year when I'd go to bed at 9:30pm because I was bored, lonely, and had little else to do.  Tonight I'm trying to get myself to bed around 9:30pm because I'm wiped out from not being bored or lonely, and having plenty to do.  Oh the way life can change in a year.  Less.  I have to remember that.

I'm going to be really sore in the morning.  I already know this.  I've put back a lot of water, am going to do another round of stretching before bed, and am fully prepared to take ibuprofen tomorrow.  I also want to get up early enough to go for a short meander.  Think two or three of those tomorrow would be a good idea.

I'd go get some Epsom salt and soak in it, but I've read diabetics shouldn't.  I'm not sure why, though.  I should check that out.

After the walk, we went to JC Penny.  I got a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt for $10.34 combined.  If I like the t-shirt ($3.99) I may go get a few more.  He got a pair of sweat pants and a denim shirt for around $30.  Good deal, and definitely much higher quality sweat pants, but I'm obviously the Jew.

Alright, bed.  Here I come.

chortle

Leo's back.  Saw him for the first time in over a month.  Was good.  Too good.  Wish it had been "whatever" but you know, it wasn't.

We went for a long walk this afternoon.  About an hour.  Caught up a little.  He made me laugh like he does.  I made him laugh.  Chortle.  He chortles.  Is chortle a word?  Spellcheck isn't correcting it so I guess it is.  Hopefully it's the right word.

Wish there was an on/off switch for love.  Or even the ability to turn the volume down.

Or even pause it.

Would be brilliant.

unsick

Leo called me on his drive back.  Twice.  Called me once he got home to ask if he could call me before he went to bed.  We just got off.

I watched The Holidays today and damn if I'm not Iris.  And Leo is Jasper.  Right down to the "will you read these pages for me? I need your help on my book" stuff.  And for me, especially I think, Arthur's comment, "You're a leading lady, but you're acting like a best friend."  That definitely hit a spot in me.

Today was one of those days when you just kind of pretend you're sick.  You get all the bounty without any sniffling, pain, or vomiting.  I was in my pj's until the early afternoon.  I ate.  Goofed on the 'net.  Watched a movie. And make a big pot of Thai curry that I shared with a friend for dinner. Later I unsicked myself and did dishes and laundry.  But still, it was nice being a bit of a bum today.

I didn't mean to cause any worry or concern over my vagueness last night.  Rest assured this old flame is not anyone particularly controversial.  He's someone I saw briefly a few years ago.  I think we're going to have dinner when he's in the area in February.

tick-a-tick-a-timing

Am very, very sleepy, but feel inclined to write a bit.

I spent the early morning to early afternoon hours with my favorite four year old boy.  He told me he loves me about three times.  That never gets old, does it?

This afternoon I made a trip to Lufkin with a friend/colleague.  We went to Tuesday Morning (cookie sheet, paper plates, wooden spoons), Big Lots (crayons), and HEB (assorted groceries.)  Had a great time chatting and learned a few new things about each other.

I had been planning on staying in for the night and making some curry, but our admin asst called to see if I wanted to go to dinner a ta new restaurant/bar.  She lives a few blocks from me and the new place is in our neighborhood--so why not?  Had a great time and very good food.  And a beer.  Haven't had a beer since October.  Had a Blue Moon with a lovely squeeze of lemon.

Then I drove out to Leo's.  He gets back tomorrow.  I wanted to straighten up his study where I've been lifting weights, put some stuff in his fridge, and check his mail one last time.

I stopped by the grocery store on the way home in a fit of "I need all kinds of chocolate and ice cream right now."  I looked for about fifteen minutes.  Pondered my options.  Left empty handed. 

One day at a time.

Got an e-mail tonight from a former interest expressing interest renewed.  I'm gonna be about that vague until I figure out what I think of hearing from him.  It's not something I plan on keeping secret, either way.  Just letting it sink in. He has interesting timing.

flying

I have always dreaded winter break.  The last ten years or so.  Even as a student.  I hated being taken out of my routine.

I hated it because it gave me too much time to think.  And it used to be when I thought too much I'd end up in a spiral of depression.  Full throttle down the drain.   Well, depression was really just part of it and maybe not the worst part.  Anxiety.  It should be a four letter word.

That hasn't been the case this break, and there were certainly reasons it could have gone that direction.  But it didn't.

Granted, as my last post expresses, I've done some stupid shit.  I've thought way too much about a particular man.  I've been distracted by memories of my dad.  I haven't been my best self.  I even cried a few times.

But there were no panic attacks.  No depression.  There was really only one or two days that I wanted to spend in bed.  One of those days I was sick.

A few months ago a friend commented that I've been 'getting my house in order.'  I think he's right.

I didn't walk twice today.  I walked once, after a series of all-day meetings.  But I didn't just walk.  I also jogged.  I also ran.  Ran.  I ran for maybe the first time in my adult life.  Ran faster and further than I have in probably thirty years.  And I hadn't even planned on it.  I was walking my normal trail and the thought crossed my mind and the next thing I knew I was flying.

Felt good.  Damn good.

I'm going to do it again tomorrow, in fact.  After class.

whack a doo

I'm off kilter.  Out of whack.  Whack a doo.

Maybe I need to align my chakras or clean my aura or something.  I'm not really joking.

Just been doing crazy out-of-character things.  Forgetting stuff.  Locking myself out.  Eating mindlessly.

Classes start on Wednesday, and faculty meetings happen tomorrow.  This will be good.

I'm committing to walking twice every day for the rest of the week.  And lifting at least twice.

love a rainy night

I've had a pretty good day.
I woke up early and went to the farmer's market.  I got a loofah sponge that I'm very excited about getting in the shower with tomorrow.  Then came home and crawled back into bed where I stayed until noon.

I went to Houston yesterday to pick someone up at the airport.  Made a trip to the mall, to Central Market (satsumas!) and to an Indian restaurant for curry.  I didn't get home until after 2am. 

Once up I got dressed, got coffee and breakfast, then headed into the office.  Classes start back up on Wednesday, and I wanted to start getting situated in some form of quiet.  Will go back in for a few hours tomorrow.

When I got home I reheated leftover curry and naan, watched Modern Family, and talked to Leo.  He called around 9:30pm and we only talked about 20 minutes.  He comes back next weekend.  I am both excited and not ready for it.

I have stuff I need to figure out.  Where are my boundaries now?  How far back up does my wall go?

I'm doing a trade with my hair dresser tomorrow.  I'm making her beef bourguignon and oatmeal cake in exchange for her coloring my hair.  I've got some serious grey going on.  (Actually, I think it's white, but it looks old, either way.)

I think when I turn 50, or maybe even like 48, I'm going to cut my hair really short...a pixie cut...and let all the grey/white grow out and stop coloring my hair.  If I weren't single I might do it now.  If I weren't single and on the job market.  Too many reasons to want to actually look my age right now.

It'll be nice once I do it, though.

stock in Yogi

Night before last I had a hard time sleeping, so I took some melatonin.
It's a 3mg tablet.  I took 1/4 of it.  I was out like a light and still very sleepy the next day.

You think that's bad? You should see me when I take even the short acting Ambien.

So, at his suggestion (his? he needs a fake name.  Leo.)  At Leo's suggestion, I went and got some tea.  There was a multitude of restful teas to choose from.  I got Yogi Bedtime tea.  I drank a cup about an hour ago.  I may fall asleep before I get to the period in this sentence.  No?  Okay, maybe I can finish this entry.  I am quite sleepy, though.  And this tea tastes mighty fine.

Just to be clear, Leo's the one I'm trying to get un-hooked on.

Finished a big job application today for what is essentially my dream job.  Knock on wood, but who gets their dream job at 38?  I hope another dream job develops for me, because I don't want to have all my dreams dashed.  Would make the next 38 years pretty lame. 

Took Bailey (my dog, my joy, my life) to the park with me for my walk today.  She keeps a good pace.  I usually only walk her around the neighborhood.  Partly because I worry about dogs off-leash at the park, and part because she's so much faster than me.  I can handle it for a short walk, but for my long walks?  No way.  I thought.  I kept up with her fine tonight.  I'll take her again tomorrow.  Maybe even jog a bit with her.

Sleep is winning.
Time to buy stock in Yogi.

blargh

This is probably why I don't fall in-love very often.  It's incredibly hard to make it stop.  The feeling in-love.

And I had to go off and fall in-love with one of my closest friends.  And so the person I want to talk to about all of this...about how hard it is, about how sad I am, about how much I wanted this to work...he's exactly who I can't talk to.

Not because he wouldn't listen.  He would.  Not because he wouldn't be compassionate.  He would.  But because I can't make myself anymore vulnerable to him than I already have.

And then there's that stupid hope.  I want to kick it in the face.

Not all hope.  Just the hope that he's going to actually figure his shit out and realize how good this could be if he'd let go of his baggage.  I want to kick that hope in the face.

honey, honey

I have a kitchen full of dishes.  Not just a sink full.  A kitchen full.  Oh dirty dishes.  Kitchen full of dirty dishes.

Yesterday I made Tom Kha Gai (Thai Chicken Coconut soup) and because I wasn't feeling well, didn't really clean up after myself too much.  Tonight I made a big pot of beans and ham and another big pot of chili.  I'm getting ready to hibernate or something because I've got a quiche and a pot of split pea soup ready to go for tomorrow.  First I need to clean the kitchen, though.  Those damn dishes.

The plan is to have a week's worth of dinners in the fridge and then a freezer full of portions that I can either eat soon or later.  Depending.  On mood and taste and all of that jazz.  I like having a full freezer.

When my mom was so sick, and then after she died, I used to go home on the weekends and cook for my dad.  I'd make all kinds of things to freeze so he'd have dinner during the week.  He loved my spaghetti.  I'd make different soups, stews, and meatloaf.  Before I went back on Sunday evenings I'd make him a big bowl of egg salad and a big bowl of tuna salad for his lunches.

Since he died I don't cook nearly as often.  And I miss being useful like that.

So much so that, um, well, some of what I'm freezing is going to end up in someone else's freezer.  I know it'll be a nice surprise when he gets back, and, well, he loves my cooking.  He goes on about my cooking.  I want to hear him go on about my cooking.  I can let myself have that a little longer, can't I?

I put the kabosh on the dating dud from the weekend.  Too many texts and too many texts suggesting cuddling and calling me honey.  I'm not your honey after one date.  I'm no one's honey.  You have to earn me being your honey, honey. And I'm not going to cuddle with you after one date, either.

It's a requirement that the man in my life be half as good as my dog.  Also a requirement that he have the ability to love her half as much as I do.  The latter, at least, didn't seem likely.

I'm going to go do those dishes now, have a glass of milk, read a bit, and call it a night.  Need to get some rest so I can continue cooking in the morning and hang out with Jessie in the afternoon.

Getting back up. Again.

It's cold and rainy outside.  It's warm and comfortable inside.

I have a sore throat.  Started last night with the feeling of swelling that woke me up around 2am.  Starting to feel better and wonder if the cold and rain blew something in that kicked up my allergies.

It's been a good excuse to lie around most of the day, watch a movie, make soup, and do a lot of reflecting on things.

I went out with a really nice guy last night.  But over the course of the conversation I discovered he is allergic to animals and is not as fond of them as I require.  That sounds horrible, maybe, but I don't have many deal breakers.  He's also texted me a lot today.  A lot.  I don't like texting to begin with.  And I'm tempted to just call it done, but it's his birthday.

Or so he says.  Think I might have some trust issues now.  Or maybe I'm getting rid of my gullible issues.

Still.  I did it.  I went out.  I took a big step towards putting myself back out there.

I think this is as good a time as any to start with the grateful list again.
1. My ability to cook creatively, on a budget, and well.
2. Supportive and insightful friends.
3. A recipe for split pea soup that I'm going to make tomorrow.
4. My two sweet hot-water bottles, Bailey and Grey.
5. A movie (Going the Distance) that gave me the chance to cry for a bit.