No rash. Yet.

I did some googling.

Cipro (ciprofloxacin) is an antibiotic used to treat a variety of infections. Some of the more common side effects associated with ciprofloxacin are nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, abdominal pain, headache, dizziness, restlessness, light-headedness, insomnia, sensitivity to sunlight, itching, rash, and anxiety.

No diarrhea or rash yet, but everything else is accounted for.

At least I know I'm not going crazy.  And that it's temporary.

---

Working out with Mimi was hard today.  I felt like a weakling the whole time.  But I got through the half hour and did everything she told me to.  With a few breaks.  And many trips to the water fountain.

Afterward she told me to stretch and go home and take a nap.  I obeyed.  No cardio today.

Tomorrow there will be walking.

---

I've started a book club!  We met for the first time tonight, and I think we all had a great time.  There was only one person I didn't know and she was really cool.

I chose Siddhartha for our first book, and am soooo glad everyone liked it so much.  It seemed to make a pretty deep impression on JD, who said she's going through her own search for self and purpose the last few weeks.

Next up is an anthology of Middle Eastern poetry.

Parenthetically Speaking

Pill taking in the morning and at night has become an ordeal.  Like I have to schedule in time to do it.  Ready to be healthy again.

I've felt a little anxious today.  Maybe more than a little.

I want to blame that on the medicine, too.  I hope that's realistic.

The antibiotic I'm on has insomnia as a side effect that seems to be effecting me.  I'm sleeping, but not through the night.  And every time I wake up it takes me forever to go back to sleep.  Have to play word games in my head.

The nasal spray has steroids in it.  Probably not a ton, but I feel like I can feel it.

Bad sleep.  Restless.  Anxious.  And today I alternated between being starving and nauseous.  I ate breakfast and then a very late dinner.  Feeling okay now, but I kept having to take 10 minute lie downs to get through the day of cooking.

(Chicken salad (almonds and grapes), two meatloaves (one gluten-free), roasted sweet potatoes (half with garlic, half with red chili powder), 10 quarts of chicken soup (3 organic).)

I love to cook.  But I'm going to love doing it large scale like this when I'm fully recuperated.

(I cook for two families if I haven't mentioned that before.  They pay for the groceries; I do the shopping and cooking.  I keep a quarter of whatever I make for each family. My own grocery bill is now like $15/week for breakfast, beverages, and paper products.)

Outta sorts today.

I'll feel better tomorrow.  Going to work out with Mimi.  That should help immensely.  Then the first meeting of my new book club tomorrow night.

Apparently more succint when I'm sick.

I got up early this morning and went to the farmer's market.  I made a smoothie when I got home.  Drank it as I took all my pills.  Then, uh, went back to bed.  Until 1:30pm.

I really slept today.  I also grocery shopped, talked on the phone, made red chili powder and crushed red pepper, poached chicken for chicken salad, and did a ton of laundry.

It's just after 10pm now, and I'm heading back to bed.

I feel okay.  Just really tired.  And know sleep will help all these pills I'm about to take again do their job.

I might be able to bench press Mimi by Monday.

I woke up around 3:30am and couldn't get back to sleep.

I've been so hungry and compelled to eat.

A little anxious. 

A tiny bit crabby.

Able to read my bullshit detector very clearly.

This is the effect steroids have on me.

But, damn.  I can BREATHE!

Right this moment I am savoring the feeling of air passing through my nasal cavity.  So sweet.

But my blood pressure was great! 116/72

Bronchitis and a sinus infection.

Antibiotics, Flonase, Mucinex D, steroid shot, nebulizer treatment.

See.  I wasn't just faking it.

Big box of Puffs with lotion, frozen cherries, Greek yogurt.

Siddhartha.

Hot refried beans from Taco Bueno.

I'm settled in for the night.

this, that, the other

Not much new to report.

Still sick.

Mimi has me on strict orders to not work out until Monday.

I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow afternoon if I need it.

I can't get my moonroof to close and it's supposed to rain tomorrow.  Big rain.

And my friends?  Make life good.

UPDATE: I hit "publish post" grabbed my keys and made the moonroof close.  Took a little patience and some creative thinking, but it worked.  

Don't you know God is Pooh Bear?

-*cough*-   -*cough*-

Seriously.  Enough.  I'm tired. 

Maybe it's working out my abs, though.

I think I'll feel fine enough to work out with Mimi. I hope anyway.

I'm supposed to go to a fairly important (to me, even) family function this weekend, but I think I am going to be responsible and play the sick card.  Even if I am feeling perfect I've got so much to catch up on.  Not so much work, but home. I need to do laundry.  Change my bed linens.  Give the bathroom a good scrub.  I'd like to get my back bed ready for spring planting.  I'd like to sleep a lot.  I'd like to work out plenty.

It seemed to be a down, low-energy sort of day for a lot of people.  Maybe it's the stars.  Maybe they'll realign tomorrow.

I watched Howl with James Franco tonight . Well, he was in the movie.  He wasn't sitting next to me.  Though that would've been cool.

I thought it was going to be more of a biopic, rather than a docu-drama on the poem with a bit about Ginsberg.  When I figured out the slant of the movie--in the first few minutes--I decided I wasn't going to like it.  But I did.  Kinda loved it, actually.

And Jon  Hamm was in it.  I dreamed about him last night.  Dreamed he called me "beautiful and plump."  I was just so happy he didn't think I was "ugly and fat."

And I dreamed a little about my Allie.  A dog of mine that died almost two years ago.  She was the first pet that was mine all mine.  She was my rock for 15 years.  It felt like a visit, and I'm still savoring it.

I might watch Howl again before I send it back.  Which is just as well because I can't find it's mailer.  But I want to re-hear Franco recite it.  And I want to hear again and listen better to some of the things Ginsberg says about writing.

I got into the Beat writers in early high school when I had to look up in the encyclopedia who the hell Jack Keroauc was after hearing the 10,000 Maniacs song about him.  I was hooked instantly.  Wrote my senior research paper on the movement.  Have read all of Kerouac's novels.  All of Ginsberg's poetry.  Read biographies, seen documentaries, am even excited about the in-production (I think) film of On the Road.  Dharma Bums made me want to work for the park service.  And oh, Gary Snyder.  Haven't read him in ages.  Must.

---

"Sure, baby, manana." It was always manana. For the next week that was all I heard - manana, a lovely word and one that probably means heaven.
--Jack Kerouac On the Road

I wanna sweat.

I went and got sick again.

Or sick still.

Friday night I went out for drinks.  We sat on the patio and listened to jazz.  As the night got cooler I could feel my throat starting to burn again and my chest feel...uneasy.

I woke up coughing, and have been at it ever since.  I had to cancel with Mimi again today, but at least I made it to class.

I think I'm on the mend.  Don't want to sound too certain lest the other sick shoe drop.  I don't like feeling puny.  I don't like hurting.  Hate coughing.  But I haven't had a really good week of working out in quite some time, and that bugs me the most.  Maybe I should look at this as all part of my readjustment.

Sleep has been my best medicine.  Think I'll go take another dose.

I am my own work out buddy.

Life.  She's interesting.

---

I went to a poetry reading tonight.  I've been reading Kim Addonizio since her first book came out in 1994.  It's the one I took for her to sign tonight.  The reading got my blood pumping, and reminded me how much I've got in me yet to still get out.

I'm a playwright. We know that, right?  A good one, I think.  A produced one.  A produced in NYC one.  A not-yet published one, but I'm working on that.

I enjoy writing fiction from time to time, but there's no burning passion in it for me.  If I'm going to tell that kind of story, I'd rather tell it on stage.

But poetry.  There's a poet in here, too.  A published in some crap tiny lit mags one.  But it's there.  And sometimes there are things I need to say and a play just won't do.  It needs meter.  Or rhyme.  Or brevity.  And that's how the poems grow out of me.

I think poetry and theatre are sisters. Both insist on every word being vital.  Both depend on the sound of the word--and are better when spoken out loud in front of an audience than read silently on the page in your bedroom.  (Well.  Most of the time. There are some of both better read silently in your bedroom.)

I've got stuff in me that needs to get out.

---

Tomorrow is Friday.  I love love love Fridays lately.  Not because it's the last day of the week.  Not because I can wear jeans if I wear a purple shirt.  Not because I don't have office hours.  I love Fridays because Leo doesn't come in on Fridays and I don't have to watch him avoid me.  No tension in the air.

---

I appreciate the concern about my caloric intake!  It inspired me to do some math and some comparing of different recommendations.  I used to aim for 1800 a day, but that was when I weighed 60lbs more.  But in light of the amount of working out I do and the muscle I already have that needs "fed" I've settled upon 1500 even on days I don't work out.  I'll see how that goes for a couple of weeks and adjust if needed.  I don't have huge expectations.  I'd be happy to average a pound a week.

I have found, for me, the best/easiest way to lose weight is to focus on something else.  In the beginning it was my blood sugar levels.  Working to get those under control--through diet and exercise and some oral medication--really helped me drop a lot of weight.  Without dropping the weight being the focus.  Then I tried the whole "lose weight, lose weight!" thing and I plateau-ed.  I plateau-ed, but I also lost a size during that time (about 2-3 months.)  Perhaps my body needed time to shift about.

Now that my blood sugars are well under control, I'm turning the focus to fitness.  And now that I am my own work out buddy, my goals are my own.  And wanting to run is back in the picture.  Tomorrow Bailey and I are gonna hit the trails.  (Bailey is my dog--so not a work out buddy who has opinions much different from my own.) 

---

At the poetry reading I sat next to someone I had a bit of a crush on last year.

I asked him to coffee.  He said yes. 

We'll see.

back to life, back to reality

Was sick and stayed home again yesterday.  I think all the rest did me some good.

Today I headed both back to class and back to the gym.  My throat is still a little sore and I am POOPED, but I feel better.  I'm going to do a few things and then go to bed at old lady o'clock.

I worked out with Mimi today.  We're going again tomorrow to make up for Monday's illness.  Today was arms, tomorrow will be legs.

Today we talked about how to eat healthy when you're sick.  She says to eat what your body craves, which is generally going to be pretty bland stuff.  Greens, she says.  Lots of greens and staying hydrated.

We also talked calories.  She suggests 1350 on days I work out, closer to 1000 on days I don't.  I need to get my Live Strong account up and going again.  It has the best food bank, I think.  And is very easy to use without pushing too hard to make you upgrade your account.

I might be a nerd and do some daily reporting here.  Haven't kept up with calories at all, but:

Weight lifting: 30 minutes
Elliptical:  40 minutes (3.25 miles)

Is it creepy to ask your pets to be your valentine?

Happy Valentine's Day.

I'm sick.  Sore throat. Head ache.  Bleh.  Extra bleh.  Even canceled classes today.

I have my annual review tomorrow, so I'll go in regardless and try to look chipper.  Then come home and crash.

Speaking of crashing, I slept from 9:30pm to 9:30am.  Got up long enough to let Bailey out and call our admin assistant.

I got an e-mail from Leo today requesting that I return his books and coat.  (Not the coat he gave me for Christmas, but another he had let me borrow "until the spring."  I guess Spring has sprung.)  I keep trying to find a way to make this my fault.  Haven't found a way yet.  Think I'll stop trying.

The petty part of me wants to also return all the gifts he's given me.  The nice coat.  The sweatshirts.  The t-shirt.  The book that was a gift.  All of it.  The petty part of me isn't going to win.  She's just going to daydream.

Now I'm either going to watch a dvd or go to bed.  Not sure which.

I broke a different boy's heart last Valentine's day. This must be creating bad karma for me.

Is 8:30pm too soon for bed?

---

I got home from Houston this afternoon.  I picked up Bailey at the kennel, commenced with love, then came home and unloaded the car.  I put away my new Penzey spices, made a call or two, ate dinner, and now I think I'm going to crash. 

I ate a lot this weekend.  And I ate like I'm not a diabetic.  There was some self-medicating and 'dealing' going on.  Friday night was Indian (chicken korma and a simosa), Saturday morning was egg pie, Saturday lunch was a menagerie of Turkish delights, Saturday dinner was Italian at a really great restaurant named after the proprietor's dog.  This morning? Mexican. 

I had beef stew for dinner.  At least one meal was safe.

Tomorrow night I'll cook up a storm and it will all be safe and healthy and also delicious.  (On the menu: quiche, cream of tomato basil soup, spaghetti with whole wheat pasta.)

---

I missed Leo a little this weekend.  Until I recounted the story of him to a dear friend this morning.  When she used the word "douchey" I remembered why I shouldn't be missing him.  Let him ignore me all he wants.

---

So the old flame.

For me the flame has fizzled.  No embers.  No nothing except a man I'd like to be friends with.

He doesn't feel the same.  The word marriage came up more times this weekend than it has in my life.  The more I asked him to slow down the more he propelled himself and his intentions forward.

I didn't make the clean break I should have.  I left it with a big, hearty, "I don't know. Must go very slow." 

I don't want to be douchey.  I should do something more clear soon.

---

Goodnight.  My two best girls and I are heading to bed.

why did the chicken cross the information super highway?

My shoulders don't hurt at all today.

My abs are a whole other story.

But I prefer the hurts-kinda-good soreness to the uptight pain of the shoulders.

Been ignored for a week now.

---

Heading to Houston tomorrow afternoon.  I'm cautiously optimistic.  And I think he hates it wen I put it that way.

---

1. Getting to paint in the scene shop today.
2. Not minding getting stood up (so to speak) at the coffee shop tonight.  Got some alone time and chatted with the barristas.
3. Being told by a major that one of his friends absolutely loved my class last semester.
4. Two good classes today.  Sassy girls on T/Th are calming down a bit.
5. I don't  have to be at school until 10am tomorrow.

Bonus. 6.  A friend is calling me her chicken these days.  I like being someone's chicken.  I don't think she means it in the cowardly or dumb foul sort of way, either.

Not a tortoise or a hare.

Shoulders still hurt.  Maybe a little more.
And for the first time I miss him a little.  Not a lot.  But a little.  I wish he'd snap out of it.

Or maybe I don't.  Maybe this is best.

---

I went to the gym today and it was like going home.  It felt really good to be back there.  Working out with Mimi totally kicked my ass.  Sumo squats do not kid around.  Neither do pull-ups.  I'm worried about how my body is going to be tomorrow.

I was on the elliptical for about half an hour.  I go faster than I used to.  Over the summer I could do a mile in about 14 minutes once I got up to speed.  I did my first mile in 12:20 and my second in 11:44.  I'm not fast.  But I'm fastER.

---

Both excited and apprehensive about the weekend.

We Jews like a good plan and a good price.

My shoulders hurt.

It's been a looooooooong time since they hurt like this.

What makes them hurt like this?  Stress.

I'm still being ignored.

---

Met with Mimi today and had a wonderful time.  I think she and I really bring out the best in one another.  We're all light and love around each other.

We have a plan. A good plan.  An it-tickles-the-Jew-in-me-how-great-the-price-is plan. Like, REALLY TICKLES.  I have to join the local gym again, because she can't go to the one on campus.  That is okay by me, though.  Her for-me fee, plus the gym fee is still $40 cheaper than what she charges normally.

I will be making her dinner often.

And since I'll have a gym membership I can start her yoga class again, too.

---

I'm going out with the mystery man from the past on Friday night.  Going down to H-town to see him.  Have dinner.  See if there's still a flame there.  I'll fill in the details if it is.  I'm just gonna let it go if it's not.

despite the crap I'm shoving in my mouth tonight, I plan to be healthier tomorrow

Know that what I write, I write while eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's Milk & Cookie's ice cream.  Yes, the whole pint.

I'm hitting the reset button tonight.  As soon as I get into bed and shut my eyes.

I am turning the focus back to me.  Back to my health.  Back to my joy.  And if I can make others happy and loved along the way, even better, but somewhere along the way I lost sight of what I had begun to make my life about over the summer.  Me.

There are times when being selfish is the best thing you can be.  Selfish.  Self-caring.  Not self-involved.  Not egotistical.  Not ungenerous.  Not uncaring.  Those qualities aren't in my nature.  But I have to find balance with the giving to others and giving to myself.  I've got to be first in my own line.

I kept working out all semester.  I kept eating mostly-right all semester.  I even added a few things to my repertoire of fitness and nutrition that have bettered my life.  But at some point my motivation switched from taking care of and improving my self because my health/happiness depends on it to getting to spend time/do things with Leo.

I wish that motivation didn't change the outcome, but it did.  I'm still getting healthier mind you, but not at the pace I was and not in the ways I was.  I've always wanted to be a runner.  Always.  Leo doesn't run.  So I didn't run.  Because I was working out with Leo.  I had my diet down to an art, but then Leo came along and talked about the Zone which is a perfectly great diet and one that does compliment diabetes treatment, but...  It wasn't my diet, my art, my way of doing it.  And somewhere along the way I stopped meeting with Mimi (my trainer) in part because of the expense but more due to a lack of time because all my free time was spent with...you're getting the picture, right?

It's time to reset.  Time to start over and take with me what I want (free weights, fish oil, protein) and not feel bad about leaving behind what didn't ring true for me (only walking for cardio, only weight lifting 2x a week, only using the bar bell, the Zone.)

Making these adjustments is going to be difficult.  Or very easy.  It all depends on how Leo and I manage each other this week.  We had some ugly bumps last week, and in the end he seemed to be avoiding me--I just couldn't tell exactly why.

Deep breath.
Push the button.
Go.

Good things. Like eggrolls.

I had to eat an eggroll today.  We all have those days, right?  Where an eggroll is crucial.  It was divine.  And so I got a fortune cookie, too.  "Life is a series of choices.  Today, you  made the right ones."

I did.

1. Student who wrote "I love your class sooooooooooo much" on the back of her quiz.
2. Student who drew a gallon of Rocky Road ice cream on the back of his quiz.
3. Potential snow day tomorrow.  East Texas doesn't see many of those.
4. Did things I've been putting off including mailing a dvd to Australia and e-mailing my personal trainer about getting together soon.
5. That eggroll. 

I like cats and dogs. Can you tell?

I'm tired.

The weekend was great, mostly, but long.  At a conference where I think I saw everyone I knew in undergrad and grad school.  They were all SO complimentary and SO "you're tiny!" and I loved every second of that.

Also spent a LOT of time with colleagues and that wore me out.  Love them in doses, even large ones, but I can't handle being with anyone, really, 24/7.  Anyone not a dog or cat.

Was full on my way to recovery, though, when this morning blew in some huge storms that got the puppyness all upset and after an hour of being up comforting her the power went out.  Didn't come back on until late this afternoon.  I've never had to get ready for work in the dark.  I was just hoping for the best.  Luckily I stayed in the same color group.

I didn't work out with Leo today.  First time I've ever backed out on him, but I needed some space.  We've been bumping into each other's nerves a lot lately, and he's been less than kind about it.  At least it makes it easier to start moving on.

I'm going to wash dishes and head to bed early.