Five Steps. The first two take the longest. For me.

My day today was kinda like one of those scenes in a movie where people are sitting in a dim room and suddenly all these bright lights get turned on.

The glare hurts my eyes.

The realizations hurt my heart a good bit, and also sober me.  And also reassure.

Hindsight is 20/20 and all that.

Leo led me on.  For four months we spent the majority of our time together, had late nights, early mornings, and things this isn't the place to discuss.  And it took someone else assuming I was the "girlfriend" he talked to them about for me to find out he had one.  That obviously is not me.

It took more than a week after I confronted him about it for him to finally admit "someone in his life" existed.  And even now that's all I know.

I bet he hasn't volunteered my existence to her either.

Little things happened today to make me start seeing some of this bullshit a little more clearly.

I've somehow moved through bargaining and denial and am in anger now.  What else is there?  Depression and acceptance?  Alright.  Let's get on with it.

9:30pm

The gym and I kicked each other's arses today.  Then there was the 45 minute speed walk.

Leo is very definitely back.

I remember there were times last year when I'd go to bed at 9:30pm because I was bored, lonely, and had little else to do.  Tonight I'm trying to get myself to bed around 9:30pm because I'm wiped out from not being bored or lonely, and having plenty to do.  Oh the way life can change in a year.  Less.  I have to remember that.

I'm going to be really sore in the morning.  I already know this.  I've put back a lot of water, am going to do another round of stretching before bed, and am fully prepared to take ibuprofen tomorrow.  I also want to get up early enough to go for a short meander.  Think two or three of those tomorrow would be a good idea.

I'd go get some Epsom salt and soak in it, but I've read diabetics shouldn't.  I'm not sure why, though.  I should check that out.

After the walk, we went to JC Penny.  I got a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt for $10.34 combined.  If I like the t-shirt ($3.99) I may go get a few more.  He got a pair of sweat pants and a denim shirt for around $30.  Good deal, and definitely much higher quality sweat pants, but I'm obviously the Jew.

Alright, bed.  Here I come.

chortle

Leo's back.  Saw him for the first time in over a month.  Was good.  Too good.  Wish it had been "whatever" but you know, it wasn't.

We went for a long walk this afternoon.  About an hour.  Caught up a little.  He made me laugh like he does.  I made him laugh.  Chortle.  He chortles.  Is chortle a word?  Spellcheck isn't correcting it so I guess it is.  Hopefully it's the right word.

Wish there was an on/off switch for love.  Or even the ability to turn the volume down.

Or even pause it.

Would be brilliant.

unsick

Leo called me on his drive back.  Twice.  Called me once he got home to ask if he could call me before he went to bed.  We just got off.

I watched The Holidays today and damn if I'm not Iris.  And Leo is Jasper.  Right down to the "will you read these pages for me? I need your help on my book" stuff.  And for me, especially I think, Arthur's comment, "You're a leading lady, but you're acting like a best friend."  That definitely hit a spot in me.

Today was one of those days when you just kind of pretend you're sick.  You get all the bounty without any sniffling, pain, or vomiting.  I was in my pj's until the early afternoon.  I ate.  Goofed on the 'net.  Watched a movie. And make a big pot of Thai curry that I shared with a friend for dinner. Later I unsicked myself and did dishes and laundry.  But still, it was nice being a bit of a bum today.

I didn't mean to cause any worry or concern over my vagueness last night.  Rest assured this old flame is not anyone particularly controversial.  He's someone I saw briefly a few years ago.  I think we're going to have dinner when he's in the area in February.

tick-a-tick-a-timing

Am very, very sleepy, but feel inclined to write a bit.

I spent the early morning to early afternoon hours with my favorite four year old boy.  He told me he loves me about three times.  That never gets old, does it?

This afternoon I made a trip to Lufkin with a friend/colleague.  We went to Tuesday Morning (cookie sheet, paper plates, wooden spoons), Big Lots (crayons), and HEB (assorted groceries.)  Had a great time chatting and learned a few new things about each other.

I had been planning on staying in for the night and making some curry, but our admin asst called to see if I wanted to go to dinner a ta new restaurant/bar.  She lives a few blocks from me and the new place is in our neighborhood--so why not?  Had a great time and very good food.  And a beer.  Haven't had a beer since October.  Had a Blue Moon with a lovely squeeze of lemon.

Then I drove out to Leo's.  He gets back tomorrow.  I wanted to straighten up his study where I've been lifting weights, put some stuff in his fridge, and check his mail one last time.

I stopped by the grocery store on the way home in a fit of "I need all kinds of chocolate and ice cream right now."  I looked for about fifteen minutes.  Pondered my options.  Left empty handed. 

One day at a time.

Got an e-mail tonight from a former interest expressing interest renewed.  I'm gonna be about that vague until I figure out what I think of hearing from him.  It's not something I plan on keeping secret, either way.  Just letting it sink in. He has interesting timing.

flying

I have always dreaded winter break.  The last ten years or so.  Even as a student.  I hated being taken out of my routine.

I hated it because it gave me too much time to think.  And it used to be when I thought too much I'd end up in a spiral of depression.  Full throttle down the drain.   Well, depression was really just part of it and maybe not the worst part.  Anxiety.  It should be a four letter word.

That hasn't been the case this break, and there were certainly reasons it could have gone that direction.  But it didn't.

Granted, as my last post expresses, I've done some stupid shit.  I've thought way too much about a particular man.  I've been distracted by memories of my dad.  I haven't been my best self.  I even cried a few times.

But there were no panic attacks.  No depression.  There was really only one or two days that I wanted to spend in bed.  One of those days I was sick.

A few months ago a friend commented that I've been 'getting my house in order.'  I think he's right.

I didn't walk twice today.  I walked once, after a series of all-day meetings.  But I didn't just walk.  I also jogged.  I also ran.  Ran.  I ran for maybe the first time in my adult life.  Ran faster and further than I have in probably thirty years.  And I hadn't even planned on it.  I was walking my normal trail and the thought crossed my mind and the next thing I knew I was flying.

Felt good.  Damn good.

I'm going to do it again tomorrow, in fact.  After class.

whack a doo

I'm off kilter.  Out of whack.  Whack a doo.

Maybe I need to align my chakras or clean my aura or something.  I'm not really joking.

Just been doing crazy out-of-character things.  Forgetting stuff.  Locking myself out.  Eating mindlessly.

Classes start on Wednesday, and faculty meetings happen tomorrow.  This will be good.

I'm committing to walking twice every day for the rest of the week.  And lifting at least twice.

love a rainy night

I've had a pretty good day.
I woke up early and went to the farmer's market.  I got a loofah sponge that I'm very excited about getting in the shower with tomorrow.  Then came home and crawled back into bed where I stayed until noon.

I went to Houston yesterday to pick someone up at the airport.  Made a trip to the mall, to Central Market (satsumas!) and to an Indian restaurant for curry.  I didn't get home until after 2am. 

Once up I got dressed, got coffee and breakfast, then headed into the office.  Classes start back up on Wednesday, and I wanted to start getting situated in some form of quiet.  Will go back in for a few hours tomorrow.

When I got home I reheated leftover curry and naan, watched Modern Family, and talked to Leo.  He called around 9:30pm and we only talked about 20 minutes.  He comes back next weekend.  I am both excited and not ready for it.

I have stuff I need to figure out.  Where are my boundaries now?  How far back up does my wall go?

I'm doing a trade with my hair dresser tomorrow.  I'm making her beef bourguignon and oatmeal cake in exchange for her coloring my hair.  I've got some serious grey going on.  (Actually, I think it's white, but it looks old, either way.)

I think when I turn 50, or maybe even like 48, I'm going to cut my hair really short...a pixie cut...and let all the grey/white grow out and stop coloring my hair.  If I weren't single I might do it now.  If I weren't single and on the job market.  Too many reasons to want to actually look my age right now.

It'll be nice once I do it, though.

stock in Yogi

Night before last I had a hard time sleeping, so I took some melatonin.
It's a 3mg tablet.  I took 1/4 of it.  I was out like a light and still very sleepy the next day.

You think that's bad? You should see me when I take even the short acting Ambien.

So, at his suggestion (his? he needs a fake name.  Leo.)  At Leo's suggestion, I went and got some tea.  There was a multitude of restful teas to choose from.  I got Yogi Bedtime tea.  I drank a cup about an hour ago.  I may fall asleep before I get to the period in this sentence.  No?  Okay, maybe I can finish this entry.  I am quite sleepy, though.  And this tea tastes mighty fine.

Just to be clear, Leo's the one I'm trying to get un-hooked on.

Finished a big job application today for what is essentially my dream job.  Knock on wood, but who gets their dream job at 38?  I hope another dream job develops for me, because I don't want to have all my dreams dashed.  Would make the next 38 years pretty lame. 

Took Bailey (my dog, my joy, my life) to the park with me for my walk today.  She keeps a good pace.  I usually only walk her around the neighborhood.  Partly because I worry about dogs off-leash at the park, and part because she's so much faster than me.  I can handle it for a short walk, but for my long walks?  No way.  I thought.  I kept up with her fine tonight.  I'll take her again tomorrow.  Maybe even jog a bit with her.

Sleep is winning.
Time to buy stock in Yogi.

blargh

This is probably why I don't fall in-love very often.  It's incredibly hard to make it stop.  The feeling in-love.

And I had to go off and fall in-love with one of my closest friends.  And so the person I want to talk to about all of this...about how hard it is, about how sad I am, about how much I wanted this to work...he's exactly who I can't talk to.

Not because he wouldn't listen.  He would.  Not because he wouldn't be compassionate.  He would.  But because I can't make myself anymore vulnerable to him than I already have.

And then there's that stupid hope.  I want to kick it in the face.

Not all hope.  Just the hope that he's going to actually figure his shit out and realize how good this could be if he'd let go of his baggage.  I want to kick that hope in the face.

honey, honey

I have a kitchen full of dishes.  Not just a sink full.  A kitchen full.  Oh dirty dishes.  Kitchen full of dirty dishes.

Yesterday I made Tom Kha Gai (Thai Chicken Coconut soup) and because I wasn't feeling well, didn't really clean up after myself too much.  Tonight I made a big pot of beans and ham and another big pot of chili.  I'm getting ready to hibernate or something because I've got a quiche and a pot of split pea soup ready to go for tomorrow.  First I need to clean the kitchen, though.  Those damn dishes.

The plan is to have a week's worth of dinners in the fridge and then a freezer full of portions that I can either eat soon or later.  Depending.  On mood and taste and all of that jazz.  I like having a full freezer.

When my mom was so sick, and then after she died, I used to go home on the weekends and cook for my dad.  I'd make all kinds of things to freeze so he'd have dinner during the week.  He loved my spaghetti.  I'd make different soups, stews, and meatloaf.  Before I went back on Sunday evenings I'd make him a big bowl of egg salad and a big bowl of tuna salad for his lunches.

Since he died I don't cook nearly as often.  And I miss being useful like that.

So much so that, um, well, some of what I'm freezing is going to end up in someone else's freezer.  I know it'll be a nice surprise when he gets back, and, well, he loves my cooking.  He goes on about my cooking.  I want to hear him go on about my cooking.  I can let myself have that a little longer, can't I?

I put the kabosh on the dating dud from the weekend.  Too many texts and too many texts suggesting cuddling and calling me honey.  I'm not your honey after one date.  I'm no one's honey.  You have to earn me being your honey, honey. And I'm not going to cuddle with you after one date, either.

It's a requirement that the man in my life be half as good as my dog.  Also a requirement that he have the ability to love her half as much as I do.  The latter, at least, didn't seem likely.

I'm going to go do those dishes now, have a glass of milk, read a bit, and call it a night.  Need to get some rest so I can continue cooking in the morning and hang out with Jessie in the afternoon.

Getting back up. Again.

It's cold and rainy outside.  It's warm and comfortable inside.

I have a sore throat.  Started last night with the feeling of swelling that woke me up around 2am.  Starting to feel better and wonder if the cold and rain blew something in that kicked up my allergies.

It's been a good excuse to lie around most of the day, watch a movie, make soup, and do a lot of reflecting on things.

I went out with a really nice guy last night.  But over the course of the conversation I discovered he is allergic to animals and is not as fond of them as I require.  That sounds horrible, maybe, but I don't have many deal breakers.  He's also texted me a lot today.  A lot.  I don't like texting to begin with.  And I'm tempted to just call it done, but it's his birthday.

Or so he says.  Think I might have some trust issues now.  Or maybe I'm getting rid of my gullible issues.

Still.  I did it.  I went out.  I took a big step towards putting myself back out there.

I think this is as good a time as any to start with the grateful list again.
1. My ability to cook creatively, on a budget, and well.
2. Supportive and insightful friends.
3. A recipe for split pea soup that I'm going to make tomorrow.
4. My two sweet hot-water bottles, Bailey and Grey.
5. A movie (Going the Distance) that gave me the chance to cry for a bit.