Sometime Tuesday night I felt something weird going on with my back, right around one of my tattoos.  The skin felt kinda numb and tingly.  Then it hurt a little.  The skin, though, not the muscle.

At first I wondered if I did something while working out with Mimi the day before, but dismissed it because nothing was sore, it was numb.

Worry.  Worry.  Dr. Google.  Searching about diabetic peripheral neuropathy.  More worry.

At the doctor's office today, she had me take my sweater off, and began prodding around my back.  She asked if my arms were numb or hurt.  Nope.  My neck?  Nope.  She prodded and then ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that felt good.  And she asked when I had worked out last.  Monday.  Did I do any upper body stuff?  Bicep curls with overhead presses.

Yeah.  I pulled something, just a little probably, and it probably swelled up and is probably putting pressure on some nerves making my skin feel numb.

She prescribed some muscle relaxers which weren't supposed to make me sleepy, but WOW I'm druggy and tired.  If it's not back to normal in two weeks, I go back and she spends more time looking at my neck.

It's all fine.

And I'm tired.  And druggy.  And my head hurts.  And I don't think there's much else to talk about for now.

Tomorrow:
1. Lunch with Sylvie
2. Party at chair's house

Another friend of a friend's brother committed suicide.  That's twice in 2011.

A...friend...in NYC was severely beaten earlier this month.  Found out about it this afternoon.  Horrible.  She was walking her dogs and a man assaulted her.  From what I understand it was a hate crime; she's a lesbian.  I feel horrible for her.  And I also sorta feel...guilty.  She and I have a complicated relationship.  We were constantly put up against each other in our area of specialty in grad school all the time.  We've always been civil to one another, but there's also always been tension and some animosity.  We were rivals.  And people didn't hesitate to tell us what we were doing/saying when the other wasn't around.  And now I feel like a schmuck for ever wanting anything but joy for her.  She's in bad shape, and I can only imagine a lot of pain.

And nothing in comparison by any means, but I've got a small little medical issue type thing that's freaking me out a little bit.  No need for worry. Nothing hurts and it's not like I found a potential tumor or anything.  It's just a diabetes complication thing that I don't want to talk about until I know what's going on.  I have a doctor's appointment at 11am tomorrow.

I'm ready for the weekend.

---

Tomorrow:
1. Dr. apt
2. Keep grading

*knocking on wood*
We're having a pretty good thunderstorm and Bailey isn't freaking out.  I don't know why, but I'm going to be happy about it while it lasts.

---

No sugar today!  I feel fine.  No real temptations, either.

---

I had a The Biggest Loser moment.  I was on the treadmill.  Going about 3.5mph on a 2.5 incline.  Mimi comes in.  We talk.  I think she's about to tell me to hop off and come work out with her.  But no.  She says, "Take it to 5."

"I can't."
"You can."
"I've never gone that fast on the treadmill."
"You will today."

And then I did.  For a solid minute.

And then she worked the hell out of my legs.

Rain or shine I'm getting up in the morning and having a smoothie.  Then I'm going to get dressed and drive down to the park and see how far I can run without stopping.  I'll do the rest of the lap in intervals.  It's only a mile.  We'll see what happens.  Maybe I'll even do it twice.

---

Tomorrow:
1. Run, as outlined above.
2. Grade and record more quizzes.  (I finished about 3/4 of it today.)
3. Go see play.

Sunday, part 3

I did everything but Killz the bookshelf again.  I'm not worried.  And the boxes are out of the house! Now I need to empty the filled boxes.  That can wait until next weekend.

I want to read.  I want to spend some time writing out what I'm hoping to achieve by giving up sugar.  I want to menu plan.  I want to set goals.

But?  I'm pooped.

I'm going to honor that and just go to bed.  Maybe I'll be new-agey and do some visualizations about me sugar-free.

Tomorrow:
1. grade and record all quizzes
2. print last quizzes
3. work out with Mimi
4. book club at 7:30pm
5. don't eat any sugar

Thought I had while moving boxes out to the storage shed:

I want to live my life for the way it is now, not for the way I hope it might be later.

I don't mean this in a goal-less, dream-less way.  But in a "why do I have so much stuff boxed up to use when I finally end up somewhere" way.

the brain and the brawn

Mimi has a theory.  She finds that her clients, myself included, have much stronger left arms than right arms.  With the exception of left handed clients whose right arms are stronger.

She thinks this is because we carry groceries, books, kids, etc with our left arms so that our right hands can negotiate things like keys and doorknobs.  The right arm is the brain, the left is the brawn.

I would like to make my right arm stronger.

---

As you can see by my to do list from yesterday, I got a lot done! I even went to dinner with Sue.

And.  I talked to some pals online and discovered I'm not the only one having problems with sugar.  And we've decided collectively to go on a sugar fast.  It'll mean slightly different things for each of us, but I think it'll be a great support system.  Some are trying for a week.  Others a month.  I am going until my birthday--which is the middle of June.  Starting tomorrow.

Only sucrose counts.  I'm fine with fruit and a little honey.  Artificial sweetener as I've already been using it (in tea and coffee) is fine.

Those of you with me when I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes a year ago will know I've already done this once.  But I'd like to do it for good.  With birthday and major holiday exceptions.  Or,  you know, maybe just birthday.

My friend m.y. also told me about a book and eating system called The Eat-Clean Diet Recharged! by Tosca Reno.  I picked it up at the bookstore last night, and am going to peruse it today.

Also happening today:
1. Lots of cooking: beans/sausage, chicken/salsa, chicken salad, oatmeal, sweet potatoes
2. Some laundry.  Not a lot.  Just enough to get through the week.  Ish.
3. Change sheets (Bailey has been eating too much grass lately.  Puke-arama.)
4. 2nd coat of killz on bookshelf
5. Put all empty cardboard boxes in storage space outside.  (this is HUGE!)

self help hell

I didn't hear from Sue, I intentionally (and lazily) didn't work out.  But honestly I forgot all about changing the cat litter.  I do better when I check on my list during the day.  But I'm not overly concerned about that.  Grey will forgive me, and she'll get a clean box tomorrow.

I took a lot off Bailey's pants and tail.  The wings on her front legs are gone.  I snipped a bit from her chest.  I'm going to see how this goes.  Maybe it was just enough?  I can hope.  The sweetheart laid on the floor with her head on my lap the whole time I snip snipped.  (Which made it an awkward reach sometimes, but it was worth it.)

I made a big pot of Rancho Gordo beans just for me.  They are delicious.  Will be turning them into refried beans tomorrow to go with the Mexican chicken casserole stuff I'm making on Sunday.

I did a Google search for sugar addiction.  The Wikipedia entry on the matter was good, but everything else on that first page of search results sang out like a Self Help Hell.  I'd like to read something on the matter that isn't trying to sell me something, too.

Tomorrow:
1. Farmer's Market (slept instead)
2. Gym/walking
3. Cat box! (included taking it out and scrubbing it!)
4. Killz bookshelf
5. Plant ginger lilies (got more from Dianne)
6. Wash/hang dry bedding
7. Wash Asics and New Balances (so wear Brooks, duh.)
8. Clean out freezer.
9. Hang art in work out room.

I'm eating too much damn sugar.  Maybe it is time I look up sugar addiction on the www.  I still don't want to.  Because what if it's really something and I'm not just making it up.

I did a Passover seder at a friend's church tonight.  It was much more fun than I thought it'd be, and so took me back to my childhood.  I like to think my parents would be proud.


I do have some charoset in the refrigerator.  I need to think of a non-carb way of eating it.  Other than with a spoon.  Might be good in oatmeal?

It's a long weekend.  Off today through Monday.  So I'm going to be fairly limited with my to do's until Monday (when I will have a long work-oriented one that I will be thankful later for tending to now.)

Tomorrow:
1. Begin giving Bailey a trim.  See how it goes.
2. Hang out with CeeCee and her friend (maybe...)
3. Hang out with Sue (maybe...)
4. New litter in litterbox.
5. Walk/lift weights.

brain in the way

Apparently there are variations on the burpee.  And they kick my ass.  Hard.

For the first time ever, we only managed through three different exercises.  Bicep curls, reverse lunges, and the burpees from hell.  I cried a little.  I felt like that kid in 4th grade, again.  The one who couldn't do a single pull up.  Could hardly do all the running.  Who felt awkward and pathetic.  It didn't last long, maybe five-ten minutes.  But it sucked.

I think about people who lose weight really quickly.  Like on The Biggest Loser or with surgery.  I understand the physical side of it is really tough, even though it's happening quickly.  I get it.  I get that it's probably tougher in a lot of ways than I've experienced this last year.

But what I don't understand is how they work through the emotional/psychological stuff.  My head gets in my way far more often than my body does.

It's been almost a year.  And what the hell, I'll tell you, I've gone from 252 to 195.  I started in a size 24W.  I'm easily in a size 16 (no W.)  I weigh what I weighed my senior year of high school.  I'm wearing clothes I wore as a junior.  That was over 20 years ago.

I was wearing shoes in size 9.  Often wides.  Now? 7 or 7.5 depending on the brand.

I've gone from not being able to do 20 minutes on the elliptical to doing 60.  I couldn't walk a mile without severe leg cramps.  Now I can walk-jog-run about a 5k. 

I've made huge progress.  I'm really liking what I see in the mirror.  I can even pull of this new short do I've got going on.

But I don't get all that most of the time.  Usually looking in the mirror surprises me.  Especially full-length ones.

Sometimes I will look at a pair of my jeans and can't imagine how they possibly fit me.

Then there are the other times.  When I look at my new, much smaller jeans and think they look huge.  Look at my new t-shirts (men's size medium) and think they're enormous.

I'm working through it.  I just have to keep proving these old ideas of myself wrong.  And while it's hard, it's not impossible.  I've got the time to do it.  And when I hover around a certain weight range for awhile, it tends to help.  I adjust.  I get used to it.  Then I move on.

I think if I did it Biggest Loser fast or surgery fast I'd be a fucking nutcase.

I'm going to bed now and hoping I'm able to walk tomorrow.

Oh! Found a video.  Ignore her first exercise, and then combine, yes COMBINE the last two.  Plank, then rows, then hop up, then lift.  Then down into plank again.  Ow.

It's gonna be a great day!

It is a gorgeous day!

I went to breakfast this morning with some of our British students.  Then to Walmart for a thing or two for the garden.  I'm about to head out into the backyard in a tank top and enjoy the hell out of it.

Today I am going to:

1. Soak and make some Rancho Gordo beans.(today is not a bean day.  will soak over night for tomorrow.)
2. Plant everything that needs planting. (tomatoes, ginger lilies, zukes, cucumbers, sweet peas, nasturtiums, petite chili peppers)
3. Fertilize garden. (gonna do this the next time I water.)
4. Do a bit of laundry.
5. Weights at home.
6. Walk with CeeCee.
7.Work on dresser.

I first noticed him as I was about to make a right onto South Street this morning.  I was driving to school.  He was to my left, walking down the sidewalk in front of the Baptist church.

Tall and willowy.  Blue jeans. Blue chambray shirt.  Dark cowboy hat.  He walked like an animation.  His arms swung to and fro in front of him.  Big, wide, and slow.

He was very tall, and I couldn't not think about the long shadow he'd cast down at noon.

There was something very shadowy about him.  As though he was he was a weather system.  A cloud.

Long after I turned I kept watching him in my rear view mirror.  A myth walking through the center of town.

easy like Wednesday afternoon

Today was kind of like a day off, but not.

I got up and got dressed.  Promised CeeCee I'd bring her a smoothie from Smoothie King, so of course got one for me, too.  So didn't have to make breakfast.

Classes were smooth and easy today.

Then lunch, which was out but cheap.  I had a bunless burger at Cotton Patch with onion rings.  It was all sooo good, but way heavier than I'm used to eating.

Mimi rescheduled our apt today for Friday, so I came home and crashed.  Slept all afternoon.  There were things I wanted to get done and didn't because of said nap, but you know what? I don't regret it for a second.

I went to friends for dinner, and that was lovely.  I had a piece of turtle pie.  Shouldn't have, I know, but it was good.  I savored it, at least.  Didn't just throw it back and then go for more.

So no serious work and no working out.  And no to do list.  I think I'm even going to skip my nightly pushups.  Just gone do an 8 breath downward dog and hit the sack with a book or a magazine.  And the prettiest girls in town.

But, yeah, I want a to do list for tomorrow.

1. apt with tax lady at noon
2. happy hour with Sue at 5pm
3. make chicken/zukes and sweet potatoes
4. freeze beans
5. really and actually send those e-mails about radio drama
6. Do some weights at home and go walk in the park (see if CeeCee wants to come with.)

one of these days I really do want to put the lime in the coconut

I did a lot of cardio today.

I mowed the front yard, then about a third of the backyard.  Then CeeCee came over and we walked about a mile and a half around a park near my house.  Then I came home and finished the back yard.  I live on a half acre plot.  That's a lot of walking.  A lot of walking and pushing.

I also went to Lowe's during all that to get some lawn mower oil.  Also got a pretty white picket fence to put around my garden and keep the puppy from walking all over it.  (She's five.  She's still a puppy to me.)  And I picked up some tomato, cucumber, and zucchini plants.  As I watered this evening I noticed sweet little green things coming up in the garden.  So much sooner than I thought!  From what I can tell it's the yard long beans and nasturtiums. 

That cooking I was going to do?  I had a big bowl of cereal for dinner.  A sliced up banana, a bunch of sliced strawberries, a little Fibre One, and some almond milk.  Mmmmmmmm.  Hit the spot.  No heat cooking is my favorite sometimes.  I'm totally going to have a sugar free Luigi's ice thing in a bit.

And you know what?  NOT doing a to do list!

Cutting back on the to do.

Poor B.  He's lucky this eval isn't really all that important.  It's just something for his records.  (He's an undergrad that came and taught a lesson to my non-majors class.)  Totally going to get to it this week.  Totally.

I didn't send out the e-mails for the radio drama thing, but that's because I wanted to get the hell out of dodge after classes.  I'm on campus much longer on Tuesdays, so I'll do it tomorrow.

I did, though, trim my bushes.  And Mimi totally kicked my butt.  I thought having shorter hair would make me sweat less.  Nope.  And now my sweat has less to absorb it.  So it runs off my neck and onto the floor.  Pretty!

No, I'm not going to wear a headband.

I sliced a ton of strawberries.

I hung out with my neighbor for a bit.  She even brought her dog over, who got along famously with Bailey.

---

At the gym today, Mimi made me turn around and do back lunges facing the mirror instead of her.  "I hate looking at myself," I said.

"Do it anyway," she said.

"Oh! This is much better than I thought!" I said.

I keep expecting to see the me of last year every time I look in the mirror.  The me of last year has shrunk and prettied up.  Buffed a bit, too.

---

Lots on my mind tonight.

The other day CeeCee and I were talking about Leo. I said that I missed so much who I thought he was.  I missed the long talks, the adventures, the fun.

I told her that I thought he was just being who he thought I wanted him to be.

"I think he was just giving you you back.  He was reflecting what he saw in you back at you.  So all that fun, adventure, and good conversation was about you.  It's who you are.  Not who he is."

I think she might be right.  And that makes me smile.

"So, that means, then, that I fell in-love with me."

"Who better to fall in-love with?"

---

Tomorrow:
1. Gym
2. Mow lawn
3. Do some cooking.

Not only did I do everything on my to do list for today, I also did extra stuff!

I hooked up the printer.  Now need to get ink, but I can do that eventually.

I made garden markers out of wooden chopsticks, and planted seeds for three kinds of lettuce, spinach, basil, hot peppers, bell peppers, yard long beans, sweet peas, and nasturtiums.  And I cleaned off my desk.

None too shabby.

It was a good day.  I slept great last night.  Like a rock.  I was productive.  I got to spend time with friends.  Listened to good music.  All good.  Even had a lovely convo with EAS.

Oh! And had quality time with both my favorite 5 year-olds.

Tomorrow:
1. Send e-mails regarding radio drama.
2. Go to Diannes (take 3 drawers.)
3. Meet Mimi.
4. CARDIO!!! (Want to try to go in the morning, but if not until after Mimi, that's fine.)
5. Write B's eval!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6. WalMart for ink, low carb ice cream bars, and small packs of graham crackers.
7. CVS for Rx.
8. Take blood glucose 2x.

Not only did I get the herbs planted and the compost bin cleaned out, I weeded, bagged up leaves and weeds, tilled the bed, and almost filled the seed pots.  It would seem, though, that last year's bag of potting soil has become its own ant bed.  My left hand found out the hard way.

So stopped with the gardening immediately.  Showered.  Took benadryl.  Passed out for two hours.

Then CeeCee came and got me.  We went to go see a play, then to dinner.  Now I'm home again and likely passing out in the next ten minutes.

Tomorrow:
1. Grocery
2. Visit Dianne if time, actually called and rescheduled
3. Cook
4. Dinner with friends
5. Hook up computer speakers
6. Set up wireless router: set up and have decided I don't want it afterall.
7. Talk to EAS on phone for as long as we like.
8. Hook up printer.

vitamix-envy

I think I had a pretty good day today.  (When will I know for sure?)

Had a great conversation at the coffee shop this morning.  Was almost late to class so had to walk quickly instead of driving (ironic, isn't it?)  Good classes.  Lunch out with CeeCee.  Meeting with the boss went great.

I got to come home for a few hours.  I cleaned.  Hung out with Bailey.  Watched the first hour of Love and Other Drugs, then went over to Jessie's for a smoothie.  She got a Vitamix.  I have such envy.  Or jealousy.  Whichever one means I want one, too...but not steal hers away.

Was going to go have a drink with a friend after that but friend bailed, and I was actually happy about it.  Came back home and am hanging with the pup.  Am going to finish the movie and then we'll hit the hay.

Didn't work out today. Or yesterday.  That MUST change tomorrow.  MUST.  Darnit.  I also have some kind of hangup about planting herbs and writing B's eval.

Tomorrow:
(in order, I hope)
1. Farmers market.
2. Trip to neighbor city.
3. Work out.
4. Plant herbs.
5. Clean out compost bin.
6. Return movie
7. Go to play.

Sunday:
1. Grocery
2. Visit Dianne
3. Cook
4. Dinner with friends

my feng shui is still all cluttered up and shit

I haven't had anything sweet today, other than my usual smoothie for breakfast.  Which isn't a sweet in the same way as, let's say, chocolate peanut butter eggs.  And I'm fine.

Maybe it is all or nothing?  I'm a sugarholic.  I've not let myself google this yet.

I didn't do the cardio I meant to do today.  Partly because I'm sore from yesterday.  Okay, that's bullshit.  That didn't have anything to do with it.  I got suited up to go, and then decided I'd do the vacuuming really quick first.  Then I folded the last bit of laundry.  Then I swept.  Then I sorted my clothes into boxes (while the dresser awaits refinishing.)  I talked to a good friend on the phone to wish her a happy birthday.  I e-mailed with my contact person at the theatre in NY.  And the next thing I knew it was time to unsuit, take a shower, eat dinner, and head up to the theatre for the bluegrass concert.

I'll own up to doing something to procrastinate doing something else.  That likely played a part.  But me and my life have felt so unorganized and so messy lately, that I'm glad I'm taking the time to clean up and sort through.  Still a ton to do, but if I can just get my usual living spaces all settled then I think getting out to the gym and to walk/run without the accountability of Mimi waiting for me will be easier.

Tomorrow:
1. The herbs already, damnit.
2. Also with the eval for B.
3. Meeting with boss at 2pm
4. Gym (decide before what muscles to do, 45 min on elliptical or 45 min on trail.)
5. Clean off kitchen table.
6. Watch Love and Other Drugs and return before 9pm
7. Make arrangements with Emma et al for Farmer's Market

don't pour that sugar on me. don't get it anywhere near me.

I don't think anything significant happened today.

I took a nap.  That was nice.  There were classes.  The gym.  Lunch with CeeCee.

That's it.

Well.  Okay.  I think I have a problem, and I fear I might sound like a dork.  Or over-dramatic or something.

A friend online mentioned something about Dove peanut butter eggs.  I love Dove.  I love peanut butter.  I was on a mission.  I found them on my way home from classes.  My thought was that I'd just have one.  One a day.  They're small.  Ish.

I had two.  Then two more.  Then another.  Then the nap.  Then another.  Then I threw them in the very back of the freezer so I'd forget about them.  Then I had another.  And finally one more before I took them and dumped them in the outside trash bin.  At least I got to that part.  At least I threw them away.  On my way to the gym of all places.

Generally speaking, I don't think of myself as an over-eater.  I may have eaten larger than healthy portions throughout my life, but never in an uncontrolled way.

But then there's sugar.  I have a really, really hard time stopping myself from eating it.  If it's in my possession I'll eat it.  Not just one. It's humbling to admit that. I (let myself?) lose control with the sugar.

Can you be addicted to sugar?

Hm.

Tomorrow:
1. Plant the herbs!
2. Call and make an apt with the HR Block lady.
3. Cardio (gym or trail)
4. Eval for B.
5. Vacuum what I didn't vacuum today.
6. Bluegrass concert
7. Finish grading papers.
8. Call AT&T to cancel landline (did this and they gave me huge discount instead.)

a heartache tonight, I know

I didn't get the herbs in the garden before it got dark.  They're fine in their wee little pots and can go in tomorrow.  Laundry is definitely still in process.  I hadn't realized how much I let build up.  One more load of clothes, then one of towels.

But I've done other things.  I made a quiche for CeeCee.  Crustless.  And one for her son that's just bacon and cheese.  And two tiny ones for me.  And it was nice.  And relaxing. And I've already done all the dishes and the kitchen is cleaned up.  Lunch for tomorrow is packed and ready to go, too.

Sent the e-mail to the wine maker this afternoon.  No reply.  Don't know if I expect one or not.  It was very short and very (I hope) nice.  I feel a little sad.  Mostly about likely making him sad.  

I think I'm going to go clean out my make-up drawer in the bathroom (random impulse, but a needed one) and then take the book I got from a dear sweet friend to bed with me.  (Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui by Karen Kingston which deals at least some with my tendency to hoard empty boxes.)  I may take a Pamprin first.

Tomorrow:

1. Gym
2. Check for Mimi
3. Eval for B
4. Plant herbs
5. Finish what's left of laundry
6. Return Social Netowrk unwatched (oy)
7. Finish grading section 10's production critiques
8. Vacuum living room rug and 2nd bedroom
9. Go to Dianne's (if time, if not resched with her)
10. Call to see how J's interview went
11. Go to show tomorrow night

good thing I'm not much of a drinker

I went out with the wine maker again tonight.  Had an okay time.  He's a nice man.  But there's not any magic there for me.  Time to construct the nice e-mail.  Wish I could keep his dog, though.  She and I had magic (of an appropriate nature, thanks.)

Now at least 3/3 gay men approve of my hair.  If I were to make assumptions about my own students that number would jump to 8/8.

I've been invited to join a writer group.  Poetry-specific.  They meet later this month.  Am very excited.

I don't intend this to become a to do list, but it really helps me keep my brain focused.

One day at a time.

Tomorrow:
1. Gym
2. Empty dish washer
3. Finish laundry and put clothes in appropriate spots (boxes while I wait to finish refinishing dresser.)
4. Watch and return Social Network
5. Plant herbs.
6. Grade last quizzes/enter grades

Maybe that's low expectations, but I'd like to be able to cross everything off for once.

Solitude and the Single Woman

I've been really social lately, and tomorrow I need to not be.  I need a day just to me and the four legged friends in my life.

I want to cook.  CLEAN.  Do some work out in my beds.  Watch a movie.  Make coffee.  Nap.  Read.  God forbid, maybe write.

I don't think there are enough hours to cover all of that.  Or to cover as much of it as need be done.  Especially the cleaning part.  My house is a mess.

Got my hair cut short.  First time in long, long time.  Very cute.  So far 2/2 gay men approve.

I'm thinking I kinda just want to be single for a bit.  Completely single.  Of my own accord.  For a bit.  Have one, maybe two men to shake before that can happen.  (That sounds harsher than I mean it.)  Just want to deal with my own stuff.  Want to stop looking.  For a bit. 

I think there's a pretty significant difference between being single by chance and being single by choice.  I want the choice.

For a bit.