despite the crap I'm shoving in my mouth tonight, I plan to be healthier tomorrow

Know that what I write, I write while eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's Milk & Cookie's ice cream.  Yes, the whole pint.

I'm hitting the reset button tonight.  As soon as I get into bed and shut my eyes.

I am turning the focus back to me.  Back to my health.  Back to my joy.  And if I can make others happy and loved along the way, even better, but somewhere along the way I lost sight of what I had begun to make my life about over the summer.  Me.

There are times when being selfish is the best thing you can be.  Selfish.  Self-caring.  Not self-involved.  Not egotistical.  Not ungenerous.  Not uncaring.  Those qualities aren't in my nature.  But I have to find balance with the giving to others and giving to myself.  I've got to be first in my own line.

I kept working out all semester.  I kept eating mostly-right all semester.  I even added a few things to my repertoire of fitness and nutrition that have bettered my life.  But at some point my motivation switched from taking care of and improving my self because my health/happiness depends on it to getting to spend time/do things with Leo.

I wish that motivation didn't change the outcome, but it did.  I'm still getting healthier mind you, but not at the pace I was and not in the ways I was.  I've always wanted to be a runner.  Always.  Leo doesn't run.  So I didn't run.  Because I was working out with Leo.  I had my diet down to an art, but then Leo came along and talked about the Zone which is a perfectly great diet and one that does compliment diabetes treatment, but...  It wasn't my diet, my art, my way of doing it.  And somewhere along the way I stopped meeting with Mimi (my trainer) in part because of the expense but more due to a lack of time because all my free time was spent with...you're getting the picture, right?

It's time to reset.  Time to start over and take with me what I want (free weights, fish oil, protein) and not feel bad about leaving behind what didn't ring true for me (only walking for cardio, only weight lifting 2x a week, only using the bar bell, the Zone.)

Making these adjustments is going to be difficult.  Or very easy.  It all depends on how Leo and I manage each other this week.  We had some ugly bumps last week, and in the end he seemed to be avoiding me--I just couldn't tell exactly why.

Deep breath.
Push the button.
Go.